"What happens when the light first pierces the dark dampness in which we have waited? We are slapped and cut loose. If we are lucky, someone is there to catch us and persuade us that we are safe. But are we safe? What happens if, too early, we lose a parent? That party on whom we rely for only everything? Why, we are cut loose again and we wonder, even dread whose hands will catch us now?"(1)
Lately I've been thinking, about a lot of things. Things like life, death, love, marriage, dating, responsibility, growing up, school, work, faithfulness, hard times, perseverance, hope, joy, grief, selfishness, even thoughts. (Yes, thinking about thinking is very thought provoking...)
Everyday, as I get older, I dream of my life. I dream, I dread, I hope, I pray.
Will I be able to finish school well? Will I find a good job? What will I get my Masters in? Will someone ever commit to date me? Will they be compassionate enough to help take care of me *and* my family? Will I be safe? Can I please God? (Can I please, God?) What am I supposed to do? Am I an adult? How much do I need to conform to he people around me? Can I *really* be comfortable being me?
In six weeks and four days I will be 19. Where in the world did 18 go?! It seems like I just joined Joshua House yesterday. And yet, at the same time, it feels like I have been 18 forever.
When I was about 6 I used to think that my life would end when I was 18. Because, when you are 18, you are an adult. And everybody knows that as soon as you become an adult your life ends. Or as far as this little 6 year old was concerned, I would be married, have a job in a cubicle and have at least 4 kids. Ha!
Now, as I look out over the bow of life's ship, the sea spray stinging my face, and the gulls mocking above my head, I see a new horizon. I see every possibility. I see islands. I see countries yet unexplored. I see valleys. I see mountains. I see adventure. And sorrow. I see the most exhilarating joys. And the most disparaging heartaches. I see life.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Jesus (John 10:10)
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Jesus (John 16:33)
One of the things I have been pondering as of late is the meaning of maturity. Many people tell me that I am mature. At times it seems like a dare for me; like I have to constantly live up to their expectations of my maturity.
And then there is my relationship with my mother and my sister. I am constantly demanding that I be treated like an "adult". I want to be treaded independently, responsibly, with respect.
I realized that the more I demand respect and independence, the more juvenile I become. It is only when I choose to serve, and sacrifice my priorities, that I truly display maturity. What a refreshing thought!
I have been very challenged, as of late, by various people in my life. I am excited. And I am shaking in my boots. Now... bring me that horizon...
1- Nicholas Nickelby, by Charles Dickens
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