When I came here my world was turned upside down. I realized that I did not know who I was or what I existed for. I questioned everything. I questioned who God was and even if this was all a big joke. After many weeks of struggling, I am new.
Change. Desperation. Struggle. Loss. Fear. Honesty. These things are the foundations of growth. I truly believe that you cannot experience change worth keeping if you do not experience these things. They are necessary to invoke the questions that form us.
The moment I admit my weakness, the instant that I am honest about my fears is exactly when maturity comes. I don't know exactly when it happened, but I have found my place of weakness. A place where I can come before God and say "I can't do this on my own! I am afraid, I know I will fail. Help me."
So often we push our fears away. We think that if we keep them an arms length away we will spare ourselves the pain. But, in truth, the closer our fears are, the more we admit we have them, the faster they dissolve. Now that doesn't mean my fears will disappear - on the contrary, I may experience them more now that I am aware - but it does mean that I have found the resource to extinguish them.
I give you peace; the kind of peace that I can only give. It isn't like the peace that this world can give. So don't be worried or afraid. John 14:27
The other day in Base worship (everyone at The Kings Lodge) the leader had everyone write a psalm.
A Psalm
of Anna
May 18, 2009
I have not love, I have not peace
God IS love, God is peace
Fear surrounds me, accusations on all sides
My heart is eaten away by the enemy of my soul
Temptation comes and I am devoured
But the Lord comes to my rescue
Like a mighty warrior He shuts the mouths of my attackers
I have not the power, nor righteousness, nor the strength of will
But my God reigns!
The Lord God Almighty has rescued and redeemed!
I am covered by His right arm. He is my shield
Where I end, He begins
I have nothing but my God
Praise the Lord!
He has forgiven, the Lord has redeemed
Sing a new song to the Mighty Savior
His love endures forever
Amen
