One Month

On April 20 I got on a plane headed for the UK. One month later I am amazed at what God has done. One month later, this is home. 

When I came here my world was turned upside down. I realized that I did not know who I was or what I existed for. I questioned everything. I questioned who God was and even if this was all a big joke. After many weeks of struggling, I am new. 

Change. Desperation. Struggle. Loss. Fear. Honesty. These things are the foundations of growth.  I truly believe that you cannot experience change worth keeping if you do not experience these things. They are necessary to invoke the questions that form us. 

The moment I admit my weakness, the instant that I am honest about my fears is exactly when maturity comes. I don't know exactly when it happened, but I have found my place of weakness. A place where I can come before God and say "I can't do this on my own! I am afraid, I know I will fail. Help me." 

So often we push our fears away. We think that if we keep them an arms length away we will spare ourselves the pain. But, in truth, the closer our fears are, the more we admit we have them, the faster they dissolve. Now that doesn't mean my fears will disappear - on the contrary, I may experience them more now that I am aware - but it does mean that I have found the resource to extinguish them. 

I give you peace; the kind of peace that I can only give. It isn't like the peace that this world can give. So don't be worried or afraid. John 14:27

The other day in Base worship (everyone at The Kings Lodge) the leader had everyone write a psalm. 

A Psalm

of Anna

May 18, 2009

I have not love, I have not peace

God IS love, God is peace

Fear surrounds me, accusations on all sides

My heart is eaten away by the enemy of my soul

Temptation comes and I am devoured

But the Lord comes to my rescue

Like a mighty warrior He shuts the mouths of my attackers

I have not the power, nor righteousness, nor the strength of will

But my God reigns!

The Lord God Almighty has rescued and redeemed!

I am covered by His right arm. He is my shield

Where I end, He begins

I have nothing but my God

Praise the Lord!

He has forgiven, the Lord has redeemed

Sing a new song to the Mighty Savior

His love endures forever

Amen