Do you not know? Have you not heard?

I've been doing  a lot of contemplating as of late. And have come to the conclusion that I have not yet begun to live.

A few years back, when Matt Redman came to our church for a conference he shared a picture that has always stuck with me. He painted a picture of the ocean. We, as humans, stand on the shore, ankle deep in the water, while a whale jumps out in the depths. God calls us to come deeper into the water. Those that came before us, the saints and apostles, act as the whales (heh heh) and beckon us to swim deeper. 

I have come face to face with an area of pride. I have always held a firm grasp on pride because, "I am so deep in the Lord. I am so wise." And all this time, only my toes were dipped in the waters. 

It's kind of a blow to the gut; to realize that what you know about God is barely sufficient to call yourself his follower. I find myself asking such questions as, "Who is God?" "How does he relate to me?" "Does God truly love unconditionally?" "Will God forgive me?" "How can he possibly stand to look at me?" "Who am I?"

I was talking with a friend over the weekend and we crossed the subject of identity. She shared a story about how she had cried out to God asking who she was. God answered, very softly, "you're asking the wrong question, Who AM I?" In order to truly understand who we are, we must first ask who is God. He is all consuming and our identity is found in him. To know ourselves, we must know our Creator. 

As I mentioned, I have been doing a lot of thinking. It's very painful to think sometimes, because you know we always think about ourselves; and when you really think about who you are it can be very hard to look at yourself in the mirror. 

I have felt myself become completely disgusted with myself in just about every area of my life. And I have struggled with feeling very alone because of that. It was then that I realized that I didn't know who God was. 

So the other week I cried out to God. "God! Show me who you are! Don't leave me. Come to me again."

And that's when a friend of mine prayed for me and Papa spoke these words- "My sweet girl".

My sweet girl. His sweet girl. His girl. Me. God. He loves me. 

But how could he love me? 

It's amazing how easily we forget his love. Isn't that what happened to Eve in the garden? She forgot his love. She believed he deceived her, that he had kept his best from her. 

But he loved her. He loved her more than she could ever know. And he still loves her. He still loved her even after she hated him. Even after she walked away. Even after all the shame. He loves.

*sigh* 

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired and weary and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40: 28-31