Where half of me ends

Night

2011-04-17T21:30:00.002-04:00

So I was reading about Solitude in the book The Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster today and came across the idea of "the dark night of the soul". Now, I am not a stranger to this concept of a night in the Christian faith. However, while reading this passage, I was struck by the possibility of a second meaning. I believe there is and can be a difference between the dark, cold and lonely night and one filled with peace, growth and joy.

The difference between a dark, cold, lonely and bitter night and the one more beautiful, lovely and joyful that the brightest day is who we spend it with.

A night, removed from the crowd, separate, intimate and passionate is the fuel that feeds our daily relationship. That sort of night is what gives birth to fruitfulness in our lives.

In the same vein, even a night alone, dark, solitude and yearning, when taken from this point of view, only causes to deepen the hunger for Him whom we long.

When we encounter the dark night of the soul, let us be encouraged. Let us recognize our deep and abiding love for the One that we miss, the one that we long for. Let us search Him out and take peace in the fact that He will find us. It will not be long until our desire will be fulfilled.

¹ All night long on my bed

I looked for the one my heart loves;

I looked for him but did not find him.

^{² I will get up now and go about the city,}

through its streets and squares;

I will search for the one my heart loves.

So I looked for him but did not find him.

^{³ The watchmen found me}

as they made their rounds in the city.

“Have you seen the one my heart loves?”

^{⁴ Scarcely had I passed them}

when I found the one my heart loves.

I held him and would not let him go...

(Song of Song 3:1-4a)

Prequalification Survey for Prospects of the Male Variety

2011-03-09T22:28:00.002-05:00

Prequalification Survey for Prospects

Prepared by Anna Jefferis

(Real estate is really starting to get to me...)

Section One

Name as appears on Drivers Licence

Full Address

Is this your current place of residence?

Phone Number

Email address

Blogs/Website/Twitter/Youtube channel

Date of Birth

Education

Employment

Employer’s Contact information

Previous places of residence

Three references. One (1) family, one (1) friend, one (1) professional

Section Two

How do you know me?

How long have you been aware of my existence?

What are your expectations for our relationship?

· Business

· Romantic

· Social

· ________, with the possibility of __________

How do you introduce yourself to your parent’s friends?

How do you introduce yourself to your collegues?

How do you introduce yourself to the new girl on the block?

Church?

Mentor’s name and contact info

Describe your family

Interests

Activities

Do you read?

Favorite books/authors

Skills

Certifications

Accomplishments

What’s your favorite word? Why?

Career goal(s)

Educations goal(s)

Social goal(s)

Spiritual goal(s)

What do you want to do with your life?

Who inspires you?

Greatest strength?

What most challenges you about your faith?

Sign/Date

Dilligence

2011-03-04T20:42:00.004-05:00

I wore my teal shirt dress, stockings and dress shoes today. Why do I tell you this? Because when I pulled into the garage I saw that the mud, leaves and other debris had blocked the drain and the base of the driveway was flooded. So I got out of my car, got the push broom, and started clearing the drain.

At first I couldn't tell if it was working at all. I splashed my legs with mud and got my feet wet. There was so much junk blocking the grate that my sweeping didn't seem to do anything at all. After a few minutes it started getting awkward and hurting but I noticed the water seemed to be going down. That encouraged me and I kept sweeping the debris away. Finally most of the water was down and I was able to clear the drain so it wouldn't flood as bad as the rain continued to fall.

This escapade seemed to be the perfect illustration of how it feels in life sometimes.

There are many times when we have to deal with a problem or situation that will be messy, hard or just inconvenient. We always have a choice. We can just let it be. Ignore it and walk around. If we choose this route we risk the water and dirt flooding the rest of our life and damaging our property. Or we can choose to step up to the challenge, get our feet wet, and be diligent to be part of the solution. This path may get us dirty, sore and side tracked from what we were doing, but it will save much trouble for many others.

We might not see the progress right away either. It might take some serious effort and we might get discouraged in the process. One thing is sure however, being faithful in the menial tasks in life will always be the right thing to put our time to.

So, as you find yourself clearing the drain, be encouraged. You are making a difference and it is worth it.

Thoughts on safety, Aslan, motives and swing dance

2011-03-01T18:28:00.007-05:00

Today I had a couple of revelations about my expectations of myself.

Today was week 4 of the 8 week program I am taking for real estate. It's called BOLD and it's all about goals and the way God created us to work. So we've been writing out a lot of goals these past 3 weeks. I realized today that there is a theme running through my goals - safety.

My goals, whether physical, spiritual, material or personal all had the adjective "safe" in front of them. A safe, stable job/income, a safe car, for my family to be safe and taken care of, a safe relationship... etc. I realized that I had no idea how much I long for safety, stability and assurance.

So I was thinking about this during the break today and feeling quite sorry for myself. I mean, I don't feel very safe, everything is always changing and there is not much that I truly rely on as stable.

But then I remembered a quote from C. S. Lewis' classic, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe where Lucy asks Mr. Beaver of Aslan, "is He safe?" "Safe?" said Mr. Beaver "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

That brought a great deal of comfort to me. You know, we often trick ourselves into believing that things should be a certain way. No where (that I am aware of) did God ever say anything about life being safe. In fact, He said quite the opposite. But one thing He always tells us is that He is Good and will "Keep in perfect peace him who's mind is steadfast because he trusts in You". (Isaiah 26:3)

---

This may seem unrelated but my mind also went to my other long term goal of being a accomplished swing dancer. Now, I was analyzing my motives because I am wary of wanting to do anything for the praise and recognition it might get me (whether it would or not). But I realized that I want to be a professional, instructor or just plain accomplished in swing dance for a few reasons.

First, I know that improving my own weaknesses in one area always spills over into other areas of my life. If I focus on disciplining myself to become well trained in the area of dance I know that will motivate me to get in shape, manage my time and push myself socially in ways that nothing else would. I also know that as soon as you think you have arrived in an area you are actually suffering in that area so I want to always be improving and learning.

Secondly, I know that the best way to improve ones self is to teach others. So I would like to learn the steps well enough to teach and also to lead as well as follow.

Lastly, and most importantly, I decided that I want to get very good in dance so that I can be a blessing to dance with. I would rather become good for the sake of being a pleasure to lead/dance with than for the benefit of being recognized as a good dancer. Does that make sense? In other words, I want to improve myself for others, not for my own gain.

This was quite a blessing to think about all this and come to these conclusions. *smile*

What have you been realizing this week?

Boy-friends

2011-02-02T11:37:00.003-05:00

I am pretty sure I speak for the majority of the female population when I share these thoughts (correct me if I'm wrong, girls)-

Guys, we love you. I'm not gunna lie. Your existence in our lives fills a part of our hearts that was made for our male counterparts. You encourage, challenge and inspire us. We love you and cherish you as our friends.

Friends. Did you catch that? We love that we have guy friends in our lives. As much as our society conditions us to pursue romantic that is not what we are looking for from you.

Now, don't get me wrong, most of us do want a romantic relationship, but that is the goal not the journey. Right now, in this season of life, we need you to love us, support us and guard us as friends, as brothers. Please don't pursue us just because that's how you've been conditioned. That part of the journey is precious and should be intentional and sovereign.

And when we forget, gently remind us that you are here to support us and not to romance us. That is the purpose of the Body of Christ, of which you are a part.

Most sincerely and with love,

Anna Elizabeth

Finding life in the records of the Kings

2011-01-29T19:28:00.009-05:00

I wrote my last post about King Hezekiah and how he established purity in the kingdom for the first time in generations. Today I'm going to continue in my study from 2 Chronicles 34 and look at how beautiful the reign of King Josiah was. Another long post warning...

So Hezekiah purified the people and the temple. His son, Manasseh, and grandson, Amon, both defiled the people once again. And then came Josiah.

Josiah was 8 when he became king. When he was 16 he began following the ways of the Lord for himself. When he was 20 here is what he did:

³ In the eighth year of his reign, while he was still young, he began to seek the God of his father David. In his twelfth year he began to purge Judah and Jerusalem of high places, Asherah poles and idols. ⁴ Under his direction the altars of the Baals were torn down; he cut to pieces the incense altars that were above them, and smashed the Asherah poles and the idols. These he broke to pieces and scattered over the graves of those who had sacrificed to them. ⁵ He burned the bones of the priests on their altars, and so he purged Judah and Jerusalem. ⁶ In the towns of Manasseh, Ephraim and Simeon, as far as Naphtali, and in the ruins around them, ⁷ he tore down the altars and the Asherah poles and crushed the idols to powder and cut to pieces all the incense altars throughout Israel. Then he went back to Jerusalem.

I love that! He is not messing around. Young, 20 year old Josiah, goes and does what his fathers could not. He destroyed the idols and scattered them on the graves of those who worshiped them! How about that for getting it done?

But this is my favorite part. Years later, Josiah decides to clean up and rebuild the temple again. He charges the priests to pay the laborers. Here's what happens next...

¹⁴ While they were bringing out the money that had been taken into the temple of the LORD, Hilkiah the priest found the Book of the Law of the LORD that had been given through Moses. ¹⁵Hilkiah said to Shaphan the secretary, “I have found the Book of the Law in the temple of the LORD.” He gave it to Shaphan.

¹⁶ Then Shaphan took the book to the king and reported to him: “Your officials are doing everything that has been committed to them. ¹⁷ They have paid out the money that was in the temple of the LORD and have entrusted it to the supervisors and workers.”¹⁸ Then Shaphan the secretary informed the king, “Hilkiah the priest has given me a book.” And Shaphan read from it in the presence of the king.

¹⁹ When the king heard the words of the Law, he tore his robes. ²⁰ He gave these orders to Hilkiah, Ahikam son of Shaphan, Abdon son of Micah,^[a] Shaphan the secretary and Asaiah the king’s attendant: ²¹ “Go and inquire of the LORD for me and for the remnant in Israel and Judah about what is written in this book that has been found. Great is the LORD’s anger that is poured out on us because those who have gone before us have not kept the word of the LORD; they have not acted in accordance with all that is written in this book.”

This is the part that made me cry. Hilkiah is doing what he was told and he stumbles upon the Torah. The book of the law of Moses, the life-blood of the people of Judah. I picture him, eyes wide, holding the book over his head and running out of the temple shouting, "I found it! I've found the book of the Law!".

Hilkiah give the book to Shaphan who then runs to the King and presents his report, very nonchalant. He ads at the end, "Hilkiah gave me this book". That cracks me up and breaks my heart at the same time. These people have been without this teaching from the Lord for generations and now that they've found it they don't know what to do with it.

Shaphan opens it and begins to read the words to the King. Josiah's only response is to tear his robes. Josiah sends his men to inquire of the Lord and find out about the book. He recognizes that the Kingdom has been in rebellion and has not followed these commands for many generations.

This section of scripture ends with one more surprise. The prophet to whom the King's official go to counsel with is a woman named Huldah.

I love me God, my King and the wondrous ways He works. (grin)

Brothers, Bring Us Back To Purity

2011-01-17T19:43:00.012-05:00

[This is kind of a long post, but it is good stuff and I challenge you, Brothers, to step up to the call]

Today, after an amazingly encouraging day of work and celebration I sat in my car and read 2 Chronicles 29:1-36. I love it when the Old Testament comes alive when I read it.

This passage is about King Hezekiah and how he breaks the pattern of chronically evil kings. He becomes king at the age of 25 and he leads his people to wholeness and restoration. The part that jumped of the page and put a choke hold on my lungs starts in verse 15 where it says,

¹⁵ When they had assembled their fellow Levites and consecrated themselves, they went in to purify the temple of the LORD, as the king had ordered, following the word of the LORD. ¹⁶ The priests went into the sanctuary of the LORD to purify it. They brought out to the courtyard of the LORD’s temple everything unclean that they found in the temple of the LORD. The Levites took it and carried it out to the Kidron Valley. ¹⁷They began the consecration on the first day of the first month, and by the eighth day of the month they reached the portico of the LORD. For eight more days they consecrated the temple of the LORD itself, finishing on the sixteenth day of the first month.
¹⁸ Then they went in to King Hezekiah and reported: “We have purified the entire temple of the LORD, the altar of burnt offering with all its utensils, and the table for setting out the consecrated bread, with all its articles. ¹⁹ We have prepared and consecrated all the articles that King Ahaz removed in his unfaithfulness while he was king. They are now in front of the LORD’s altar.”

King Hezekiah had gathered this band of brothers - the Levites, those chosen to serve and protect the Lord in the sanctuary - and led them in purity. But that's not even all of it. These priests had to first consecrate themselves. Webster's dictionary defines the action of consecration as this: to make or declare sacred; especially : to devote irrevocably to the worship of God by a solemn ceremony.

Now it's one thing to dedicate and object or a place; to make holy a thing. But to consecrate yourself for the irrevocable worship of the living God is another thing entirely.

But these kings and priests of old did not even stop there. They took the next, most mind blowing step yet. The purified the temple.

Now we're not talking a little sprinkling or the rubbing on of some Purell. This was a sixteen day ceremony that rid the temple, the house of God on earth, from all the impurity, all the filth of the kings that came before. And there was a lot of filth. Earlier kings had literally prostituted themselves and their people in the holy house of God. They had sold the gold and the jewels for blood money, they took the spears and the shields and the weaponry to fight unholy wars, they worshiped the gods of their neighbors.

There was a lot of brokenness, bleeding, hurt, dirt and sorrow to be washed away. And these servants of God did it. They dedicated themselves to getting on there hands and knees and doing what the People could not do for themselves.

*

So this got me thinking. We no longer have the Temple in Jerusalem to worship in. But we do still have a temple. Paul tells us in his letters to the Corinthians that our bodies are a temple for the Holy Spirit and that, through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, God comes and dwells with us and uses us. our physical selves, as His dwelling place, as His place of operation. This is where it gets exciting...

Brothers, the calling has not dissipated and the temple has not gotten any less foul. How beautiful would it be if you consecrated yourself to the service of the Lord and dedicated yourself to the purifying and maintaining of the temples of your fellow brothers and sisters.

I got so excited about the idea that somewhere out there are men of God who take up their responsibility to maintain, guard and value the purity of their sisters in Christ. That there might be people out there who daily consecrate themselves to the work of the Lord and who live on purpose and with fire.

I want to be one of those people. One who lives with a passion and who understands the value and sacredness of purity -physical, emotional and spiritual purity. And I want to build relationships with people who will recognize this value as well and daily work with me to wash away the filth.

The best part is the last verse where it says, "³⁶ Hezekiah and all the people rejoiced at what God had brought about for his people, because it was done so quickly." After all that Hezekiah did for his people and his nation he recognized that it was not he who did it at all. It was God who used him to do this amazing thing. How great is our God.

“Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you.” - Joshua 3:5

I actually do love you

2011-01-07T18:41:00.006-05:00

I was thinking about relationships the other day and how easily our society goofs it up. We (I'm especially referring to young people) are so quick to fall in love or to tell someone we love them.

I am often tempted to do the same, but then I realized this - it is not romantic love that I am feeling for this person, but a deep respect and a grateful appreciation, even admiration. But in today's society, we are conditioned to interpret every affection, whether respect, thanks or admiration, into romantic love. This is a handicap that is crippling and confusing our young people, causing much heart ache and brokenness. It's times like this that I wish the English language was not so limited in our expression of affection.

So next time you are drawn to a person, ask yourself - "What do I appreciate about this person?" "Do they need encouragement?" "What is better, romantic love that is only fleeting or real love that impacts everyone around it?". Before you tell someone you love them (even in a friendship situation) consider questing for an expression more meaningful that a fleeting "I love you". I challenge you to determine those in your life whom you respect, admire, appreciate or learn from and tell them.

In the wise words of Zach Galifianakis, "You better check yourself before you wreck yourself".

Nutcracker Sweet

2010-11-15T21:37:00.010-05:00

During the holiday season of the mid nineties, my Mother began to bring home something special from the grocery store. Nutcracker Sweet tea. I have always been one for tea and other warm drinks but this particular tea was special. It smelled of gentle spices, vanilla, carmel and fairie dust. The box was decorated with magical scenes from the endearing story. This was truly a special tea.

But I was not allowed to have any. You see, Nutcracker Sweet had caffeine as one of the ingredients. So as a young child I would take the box and dream about the day I would be able to taste the tea that so enchanted me.

A year or so later I captured the scent of this wonderful mystery by abducting a single bag and hiding it in a small tin I kept in my room. Now I could visit this holiday treat whenever I remembered to check the tin. The scent kept for years and brought a smile to my face until the year I was declared old enough to try the tea for myself.

I can still remember the anticipation and excitement of that first time I took a sip of that special tea. After years of memorizing the scent and waiting to discover the taste, it was now time. It was not like the taste of coffee, who's alluring smell opposes the strong taste. Tasting Nutcracker Sweet was different. The taste of the tea equaled the quality of the aroma. It was worth it. My parents, who had withheld the treat for years, came through on their promise and it was a joy.

I did not despise the years of waiting. Those years built a story, created a memory and developed a certain level of respect.

And now, fifteen years later, I get to enjoy this holiday treat, as one enjoys an old friend's company.

I recalled this memory tonight as the teapot sung and I dropped the bag of Nutcracker Sweet in my mug. It's funny how it is so easy to learn from one experience and so difficult to apply the same lesson to other areas of our lives. How many times do I pine away for something I cannot have? How many times do I resent God's direction or diversion from things that I think will satisfy me now? How many times do I choose to steal a taste of things meant to be savored at a later time? Why is it so hard to simply enjoy the moment and cherish the opportunities set before us, knowing a great story is lived moment by moment?

What is it that you are enchanted with? Is it a career? A relationship? A home? A degree? A family? Independence? Respect? Power? Money? Fame?

Are there areas of your life or your story that you are delighted to faithfully watch unfold? Do you wait with eager anticipation and an open heart or do you scheme a way to get it now?

What is something that you have built a story with? What is your Nutcracker Sweet?

Ardently,

Anna

Focus

2010-09-06T21:22:00.002-04:00

In the chaos, in confusion

I know You're sovereign still

In the moment, of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

When things seem confusing and overwhelming it is because our focus has shifted away from the Maker of the universe and onto our own selves. It's when we get caught up in our pettiness and our trivial matters that we lose sight of the power and majesty of the Most High. When we once again seek the One who holds eternity in His hand we find the deepest peace.

So when You call I won't delay

This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me

None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free

Now I live to bring Him praise

All my delight is in You Lord

All of my hope, all of my strength

All my delight is in You Lord, forever more

Holding Beautiful

2010-06-16T11:37:00.002-04:00

There's an old song by Third Day that always resonated with me. The song says -

And I want to love You

Love You more than life itself

And I want to hold You

Even though You can't be held

Because You're so much more

Than everything I've ever known

Anything, anything

I'd give anything

I would give anything to hold You

What is it about beauty that inclines us as humans to touch it, to hold it, to keep it? Why must we always posses the object of our attention?

This idea struck me the other day as I discovered a family of baby bunnies under a bush in our yard. With a shriek of glee, I ran over to try and catch one. I spent a good five minutes trying to chase and hold one of those poor baby bunnies. They were so beautiful and they looked so soft. However, as I crawled along the bush line trying to find them, I remembered something my Dad had told me years ago, "if you touch the baby rabbits or the baby birds that you find on the ground, your scent will scare away the mother and they will die of starvation". My desire to hold that which I admired might actually inflict harm on that which I loved.

Similarly, today I was outside when a beautiful butterfly flew past my head. Without thinking I followed it with my hands cupped, ready to catch it. When it was almost in reach I remembered that holding a butterfly would rub off the scales from it's wings and cripple it.

In contrast, I began to think about the beauty of God. Throughout the scriptures there are stories of zealous people who reached out to touch the Beauty of God. The beauty and glory of the Most High was so overwhelming that they died right then and there. How gracious of the Lord to present Himself to us as Invisible.

And then there are the times in the Bible when God gives us a glimpse of His Splendor. Exodus 33 gives the story of the boldness of Moses and the mercy of God -

¹⁸ Then Moses said, "Now show me your glory."

¹⁹ And the LORD said, "I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. ²⁰ But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live."

²¹ Then the LORD said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. ²²When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. ²³ Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen."

How fantastic is that? God showed Moses Himself but loved him enough not to show His face. Again in Isaiah 6 we read another encounter with the Beauty of the Lord -

¹ In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.² Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. ³ And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."

⁴ At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

⁵ "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."

The Lord is gracious enough to not show us His great and awesome beauty. For we would want to hold it, to reach out and capture the beauty. In the same way, God, in His extravagant grace, lets us live our lives here on earth without direct contact to Him. If He were to, He might crush us. We are too fragile on this earth.

This kind of tension thrills me. To see so much beauty all around me and not be able to grasp it. To sit and watch the stars but not reach them. To admire a brightly colored bird in flight but not be able to catch it. To enjoy great friends but not be able to hold on to them forever. I look forward to the day when I can hold on to Beauty forever.

Sincerely,

Anna Elizabeth

Lessons from the Window Washer - Mating Eagles

2010-04-09T23:07:00.003-04:00

Every so often the Window Washer guy (we'll call him Mr. Washer) comes to the store and washes the windows. Today was window washing day.

When Mr. Washer is done he comes in the store to collect his money, and while he writes out the receipt, he tells me about the book he and his wife are writing. Mr. & Mrs. Washer have been married for about 9 years and are very active in their church. They have a heart to teach other young people about God's love and the ins and outs of marriage.

Today Mr. Washer was telling me more of how he and his wife would approach the topic of marriage in many different ways in their book, giving examples of how God created things to be, how animals raise families and where our society is struggling. Today's lesson came from the eagle.

Eagles are fascinating birds. When a female eagle is ready to pick her mate, she will fly to great heights carrying a stone. She drops the stone mid-air, and the first male eagle to catch the stone before it hits the ground is the one she will choose to mate with for life. She does this because, sometimes, a female eagle will drop an egg while she is flying. The male has to be attentive and responsive enough to catch the egg safely before it hits the ground. How amazing is that?

So what can we learn from the eagle?

Girls, surround yourself with good, strong men who will protect you. Test those men and make sure you only commit yourself to someone who will be with you in the long run, in thick and thin and who is prepared for the future.

Guys, be ready to catch the stone when she drops it. Don't be afraid to step up. Give her room to fly but be near enough to catch her if she falls.

[Lessons from the Window Washer]

[Recorded & expanded by Anna Jefferis]

Half

2010-02-19T21:49:00.002-05:00

I am my favorite subject.

The other day I was thinking about me. And I thought about who I am and why I'm here. I was thinking of all the ways I've failed and all the things I should have done.

And then I remembered Where Half of Me Ends.

And I realized that I have been living as a Half.

I have not been waiting where half of me ends. I have been trying to live with only my left side.

And that's when I looked and found God waiting for me where half of me ends.

And he said he loves me.

W[here]H[alf]O[f] M[e]E[nds]?

[1 corinthians 15:10] By the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me has not been in vain.

New Year

2010-01-03T22:00:00.003-05:00

I'm not one for predictable holiday posts. However, last year I posted my resolutions for the year on my blog and one of my co-workers actually read it and kept me accountable for at least part of the year in some regards. This is my attempt to hold myself accountable to take the initiative and make some changes.

In no particular order -

Continue to learn to play piano

Read the rest of the Bible

Grow my hair out [done]

Lead Masquerade well [done]

Join a co-ed small group [done]

Save for down payment on a new car [done]

Graduate college in March 2011

Learn to cook more

And above all I hope to live out Philippians 1:20 -

I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

Here goes! Welcome, 2010!

Hide and Seek

2009-12-18T22:26:00.006-05:00

When I was a little kid I ruled at the game of hide and seek.

Whenever I played I was always the winner. Most times I would have to come out and find the people who were looking for me. Whether playing inside or outside I had my secret places.

Outside there was a little hill on the side of the driveway where my Dad parked his station wagon. I could fit easily on the side of the hill, almost under the car. No one ever found me there.

Inside the house, closets were my favorite. Our bathroom closet has a little crawl-space in it that housed my little 10 year old self well.

I think I was good at hide and seek for 2 reasons. 1- I liked hiding. I was aware of where things could not be seen. I liked surprises. And I was very competitive. 2- I like being alone. Hiding provided the perfect solution.

I realized the other day that I have been hiding again.

I've been hiding from God. I've been hiding from the people around me. I've been hiding from myself. In my desperation to be alone, by myself, I had shut myself in a closet again.

But the funny thing is that I may be a decent hider, but God is the best seeker. He sees me in the back of the closet, next to the towels. He sees me on the side of the hill, under the car. He sees me under the pile of life, right next to my insecurities. He sees me.

Where are you hiding? What are you covering? Are you seen?

We are the seed and will soon be the flower

2009-11-30T21:48:00.003-05:00

^{Today on my break at work I was reading from 1 Corinthians 15 and came across this marvelous passage -

35} But someone will ask, "How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?" ³⁶ How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. ³⁷ When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. ³⁸ But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body. ³⁹ All flesh is not the same: Human beings have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. ⁴⁰ There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. ⁴¹ The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor.

⁴² So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; ⁴³ it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; ⁴⁴ it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.

If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. ⁴⁵ So it is written: "The first Adam became a living being" ^{f]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[f]}; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. ⁴⁶ The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. ⁴⁷ The first man was of the dust of the earth; the second man is of heaven. ⁴⁸ As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the heavenly man, so also are those who are of heaven. ⁴⁹ And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we ^{g]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[g]} bear the image of the heavenly man.

How cool is that? I love the poetry of the Bible. It is beautiful.

I was mulling over this concept of the comparison of earthly and heavenly bodies with fascination. I love the analogy that the scripture gives, that our bodies are like seeds that are planted.

So if we are like seeds, that means that we have yet to bloom, and our heavenly bodies will be like flowers compared to seeds. Flowers are the inmost part of the seed, the beauty that comes from maturity. So what would the truest, most beautiful part of ourselves? I think it would be our soul, our spirit.

I picture the soul, as magnified by the flower of a heavenly body, to be glorious and beautiful, like light shinning through a million diamonds. And isn't that fitting? Light is always a characteristic of ultimate beauty. Why? I think it is because God *is* light.

"¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was with God in the beginning.

³Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴In him was life, and that life was the light of men. ⁵The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood^{a]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} it. - John 1:1-5"

Anyway, yeah that was a really fun and exciting thought process for me. *smile*

What do you think Heaven will be like? What does a soul look like to you? How do you feel about being a seed?

Have you ever noticed?

2009-11-11T20:44:00.003-05:00

Have you ever noticed that the best things happen when you least expect them?

Update from England and South Africa

2009-10-19T20:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Friends and Family,

This is my account of my time with YWAM. I cannot even begin to describe how much Jesus did in my life over these 4 1/2 months. I am not who I was when I left. I struggled, thrived, rejoiced, learned, led, followed, grew, loved, met, left, and arrived at new freedom.

I cannot begin to thank those of you who supported me in both financial support and in prayer. Without your help, none of this would have been possible. You forever have my gratitude.

I have a selection of photos of the highlights of my trip in an album here –

http://s750.photobucket.com/albums/xx147/aejefferis/Highlights%20April-August%202009/

It has taken me much longer than I expected to get all of this on paper. My first attempt was in much greater detail - as I would like to tell it. Maybe one day I will recount my journey in greater detail (maybe even in book form?), but for now, I hope you enjoy this outline of my time overseas. J

Before I begin with my time away, let me share with you this journal entry that I wrote right before I left –

A bigger love than me

April 16, 2009

I need to preface what I am about to say with this-

Tuesday I took an 11pm bus to Chicago. I got there at 6am, got fingerprinted (again) and applied for my visa, was told it would take a while, made friends with a cab driver and was on another bus back to Columbus by 11am. That whole day was ridiculously amazing and one miracle after another.

Today at about 5 or 6 pm (everything's kinda a blur right now...) I got a call from the visa agency. My visa went though and is done! They are overnighting it and I will have it by tomorrow!

Can you believe it?!? I'm not sure I can. Ha! Wow.

Ok so, let me just recap.

About a month ago the most exciting thing in my life was that I taught in my women's group for the first time. I taught on John chapter 20 and it was sweet. That week I signed up for leadership training and was pumped to be more of a leader in the group. That rocked my world and God got so much bigger. His plan for me started to unfold and I felt a peace I never had. I also got a sense that the future was going to be big and I might have to make some sacrifices to do what God had for me.

A week later I found out Tracy wanted to start another women's group. The Lord spoke to both of us and we decided to lead the group together. You have no idea how much this blew my mind. I was so totally excited and honored and thrilled. God became bold to me. He was teaching me to be bold, but he was doing it by example. I began to realize that this was so much bigger than I imagined. This was not something I was going to do, this was something I was going to have to run to stay in step with. I was terrified and I loved it.

One week after that (about 2 1/2 weeks ago) I got a message from Rachel asking me if I could go in her place to England to nanny for a Dutch family she knew. My initial reaction (as was my reaction to every event leading up to this) was, "oh no way. That is WAY too awesome. There is no way God wants that for ME." That same day (or was it the next) I had talked to Edward and Jet via international phone and had made plans for me to come to England to nanny! That week things fell into place so fast it was surreal.

Ok, come back to the now.

Let me see if I can verbalize this... God's love is so much bigger than just me. And I mean that in every sense. God loves more that I ever could. God loves me more that I understand. And most of all, God's love SURPASSES me in a majestic way.

God has been planning all this for literally ever. Every bit of my life has been preparation for this moment, for the now. And he loves me so much. So much.

I was just told by a friend that I do not have to worry about my family or myself because "you are in the palm of God's hand, and that is the safest place you can be". Let that sink in for a moment. How big is God? How wide is his love? How deep? What are his limits? Can he sleep? Does he have to wait? Does he obey bureaucracy?

And see, this is where it sinks in even deeper. God's love is so much bigger than me. God's love is overflowing for Edward and Jet and baby Daan. This little glimpse of eternity, this moment in time, God cares enough to move mountains to get me to England. Why? I don't know completely yet, but I do know that God cares so much about Daan that He wants me to help take care of him. God cares so much for Edward and Jet that he wants them to be able to focus these next three months and soak up knowledge of Himself. God cares so much for my sister that he has been preparing and growing her in these past few months to really thrive and express herself. God cares so much for my Mom that he is providing for her daughters and bestowing a new peace.

God's love is so much bigger.

I found this Psalm last week and it felt like a personal blessing.

Psalm 138

Of David.

1 I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;

before the "gods" I will sing your praise.

2 I will bow down toward your holy temple  

and will praise your name  

for your love and your faithfulness,  

for you have exalted above all things  

your name and your word.

3 When I called, you answered me;  

you made me bold and stouthearted.

4 May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD,  

when they hear the words of your mouth.

5 May they sing of the ways of the LORD,  

for the glory of the LORD is great.

6 Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly,  

but the proud he knows from afar.

7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,  

you preserve my life;  

you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,  

with your right hand you save me.

8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;  

your love, O LORD, endures forever—  

do not abandon the works of your hands.

***

I arrived in England on April 21, midday, after 2 ½ weeks of preparation. I managed to get my Visa in 48 hours, which was nothing less than a miracle. Edward and Jet, the Dutch couple who’s son, Daan, I watched, met me at the bus station. Everyone at The Kings Lodge, the Youth With A Mission (YWAM) base, had been praying for me that I would make it over safe and in good time.

Many, many people from many nations greeted me at the base. While Edward and Jet gave me a tour of the base we ran into Maggie, a Welsh woman, who took me by the shoulders and said, “Wow! Let me look at you! You are an answer to prayer! I am looking at a miracle!” What a way to begin a journey. I was truly humbled and amazed.

My days at the YWAM base in England looked like this –

6am – Wake up
7am – Breakfast in the dining hall
8am – Depending on the day I would either start my day with Daan or participate in the class devotional/worship time and then watch the baby
9am – Mondays and Tuesdays were Base Worship and Base Intercession, respectively. This was the time when the whole YWAM base (about 150 people) gathered to worship and pray. I lead worship for the base three times. It was a great experience.
11am – Base coffee/tea break. Everyday there was a midday break for coffee, tea and on Thursdays they celebrated the birthdays that happened that week with homemade cake. J
1pm – Lunch in the dining hall. Typically I would be done watching Daan after Lunch.
2pm – A few days a week I watched Daan from 2-3
4pm – Almost every day I took a walk to town. My favorite place was the post office, a 20-minute walk from the base.
6pm – Dinner in the dining hall. A great opportunity for fellowship.
7:30 - Some days there were evening lectures. Since Daan was asleep at this time, I was able to join in on the lectures. Other nights there were movies or games in the evenings. (Rob from the DTS showed the movie “Walking Across Egypt” which was filmed at his church. He is in the choir next to actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas. J )
11pm – With the 5 hour time difference between The Kings Lodge and home, this was the best time to Skype with friends and family back home.

My 10 weeks at the Kings Lodge were incredible. Daan was the most wonderful baby to watch. We played hide and seek, took walks, played in the toy room, had snacks, read stories, played with blocks and toy cars, looked out the windows, took pictures and danced to music. For the 4 ½ months that I knew baby Daan, he got over 6 teeth, learned to walk and learned a few new words. What a joy to experience. J

When I wasn’t watching Daan, I was exploring the town, making international friends, writing letters, or playing guitar. Daan’s parents, Edward and Jet, were students at the YWAM base in the DTS class – Discipleship Training School. There were many others in the class. Rob from Kentucky, USA, John from South Korea, Britta from Germany, Cindy from Belgium, Ligia from Brazil, Jennifer from the USA, Suzanne from the South of England and Joanna from Sherwood Forest in England. The leaders of the class were Justin from England, Siew Yuen from Malaysia, Okja from South Korea and Anna from Washington State in the USA. I so enjoyed being part of this group.

Most of the students in the DTS were in their thirties, except for Joanna. Joanna is a bubbly 20 year old. We spent many evenings taking moonlight walks through the field whilst giggling and drinking tea. Joanna was also with me when I got my nose pierced. It was such a blessing to have a friend my age to talk with during this time. J

There were a few other schools going on at the base as well. The School of Biblical Studies (SBS) had about 20 students who read through the entire bible inductively 3 times in 9 months. The students were mostly in their early 20s so I found great fellowship with this group. The other school, the Bible Core Course (BCC) had about 10 students. They studied only the major books of the bible in the same way that the SBS studied the whole bible.

One of the things that I was able to do on the weekends was dance. I started a swing dance club at the Kings Lodge with some of the students and staff. We had up to 15 people dance with us for a few weeks. J

I had the opportunity to travel to London with the DTS on one of their long weekends. We stayed at a Korean Hostel in the city and explored the entire city in 3 days. We walked all over for over 10 hours a day and visited such sites as London Tower, the Eye, Tate Modern, the Tube, Buckingham Palace, among other places. We visited Hillsong Church London on Sunday and had an authentic Korean meal prepared for us by our hosts.

On the other long weekend, Ligia and I took a train to Stratford-Upon-Avon. We spent the day there and had a grand time touring Shakespeare’s town. One day I would like to go back to London and see a play at the Globe. J

Spiritually, I grew tremendously in England. Here is a journal entry from when I arrived.

One Month

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

On April 20 I got on a plane headed for the UK. One month later I am amazed at what God has done. One month later, this is home.

When I came here my world was turned upside down. I realized that I did not know who I was or what I existed for. I questioned everything. I questioned who God was and even if this was all a big joke. After many weeks of struggling, I am new.

Change. Desperation. Struggle. Loss. Fear. Honesty. These things are the foundations of growth. I truly believe that you cannot experience change worth keeping if you do not experience these things. They are necessary to invoke the questions that form us.

The moment I admit my weakness, the instant that I am honest about my fears is exactly when maturity comes. I don't know exactly when it happened, but I have found my place of weakness. A place where I can come before God and say "I can't do this on my own! I am afraid, I know I will fail. Help me."

So often we push our fears away. We think that if we keep them an arms length away we will spare ourselves the pain. But, in truth, the closer our fears are, the more we admit we have them, the faster they dissolve. Now that doesn't mean my fears will disappear - on the contrary, I may experience them more now that I am aware - but it does mean that I have found the resource to extinguish them.

I give you peace; the kind of peace that I can only give. It isn't like the peace that this world can give. So don't be worried or afraid. Jesus in John 14:27

The other day in Base worship (everyone at The Kings Lodge) the leader had everyone write a psalm.

A Psalm

of Anna

May 18, 2009

I have not love, I have not peace

God IS love, God is peace

Fear surrounds me, accusations on all sides

My heart is eaten away by the enemy of my soul

Temptation comes and I am devoured

But the Lord comes to my rescue

Like a mighty warrior He shuts the mouths of my attackers

I have not the power, nor righteousness, nor the strength of will

But my God reigns!

The Lord God Almighty has rescued and redeemed!

I am covered by His right arm. He is my shield

Where I end, He begins

I have nothing but my God

Praise the Lord!

He has forgiven, the Lord has redeemed

Sing a new song to the Mighty Savior

His love endures forever

Amen

God did much in my heart that month and I found new freedom from my fears. Now I was functioning with all that I was. I was walking in my gifting in a greater way and was thriving.

***

On June 24^th, after 10 weeks in England, the team and I left for South Africa. The second part of my journey began.

The flight was amazing. I have never flown on a bigger, more beautiful plane. There were little lights on the ceiling that made it look like night. J

We arrived in South Africa at about 7pm at night on a Thursday after over 20 hours of travel. It was already dark and felt like midnight. We had been told that it would be winter in South Africa but that it wouldn’t be too cold. What we weren’t told was that after the sun went down it was freezing.

The van pulled into the YWAM base and over many potholes and our luggage was dropped off at the base of a very steep staircase. We were told our rooms were at the top of the steps and that we would have the use of a little meeting room in another building.

That first night was hard and very desolate. Cold, dark, tired, sore, alone. That is how we entered South Africa. After dumping our stuff in our rooms we were ushered into that small meeting room in the other building for some pizza and to meet two of our Afrikaans partners.

The room was only slightly warmer that the outdoors, but it was light in there and there was warm food and tea. We gathered, prayed, and met Redgy and Gerard, the first of the African volunteers we would work with for our time here. We were invited to watch the Football game that was on tv in the other room but most of us just went to bed. That was the first day.

The next day was much brighter and full of promise. We awoke for breakfast at 7 in out meeting room, had the morning to unpack and explore the base, and after lunch we met the rest of our African counterparts. What a joy to meet these friends! I had been so worried about how it would go to work with these Africans, but we all just clicked right away! I spent the rest of the afternoon, that day, talking with Rachel. Rachel completed the worship team that included Britta from Germany and myself.

The first week we stayed at the YWAM base. All the girls were in one room and all the boys were in another. We had much fun in the girl’s rooms and only had one of the bunk beds collapse. Thank goodness no one was under it at the time of the collapse. J

Our team included all of the DTS students plus the “Mega Outreach” volunteers, which included myself, Rhian, Jem, Chris and Beki, all from the UK. Then there was the African team. They were – Erena, Redgy, Gerard, Michelle, Charlie, Vivian, William, Geraldo, Atlan, Clinton and Pastor Success. We also teamed with another local DTS who focused on the performing arts. They were – Felix, Fenny, Lieze, and Yolanda. Rhian, Jem, Chris, Beki, William, Geraldo, Atlan, Clinton and Fenny were all around the age of 20 and we had many fun times together. One of our favorite pastimes, when we had any free time, was to read the Bible out loud and walk to the mall.

We spent 7 weeks in South Africa. Our time looked like this –

Week One – Stayed at YWAM base in Worcester. Helped with the local Methodist Church Holiday Club (the equivalent of a Vacation Bible School for kids ages 5-14). The church originally expected 150 kids. They had about 10 volunteers and we were about 30 ourselves. 260 kids turned up and our team ended up all but running the event. We had one of our English volunteers and one of our Afrikaans volunteers in each group with about 20 kids. It was an amazing time to learn, be challenged and grow. The kids understood English but only a few of them spoke it. I felt helpless the first day. The Holiday club ended up being one of the best experiences ever.

Week Two – We moved to a place called Esslen Park. Esslen Park is a neighborhood and we stayed in the Hostel that some of the students of the high school stayed in. We had our own block, but all of the furnishings had been stolen so we had no beds, no shelves and not much else. There was one sink for kitchen use that never drained and one large bathroom. We made a schedule for the bathroom. The upstairs had no plumbing as that had been stolen as well so we had to squeeze all 30-some of us into the downstairs section. It was quite a challenge but God was gracious and we made it work. We had about 6 bedrooms, a ‘dinning’ room and a ‘kitchen’ room.

For the first two weeks, however, we did have use of the school kitchen/dinning room and another dorm. After cleaning the ENTIRE place, the students arrived for our first week of high school youth camp.

Week Two and Three – We had two consecutive weeks of high school youth camps. These were kids from the community and from various backgrounds. The first week was so much fun. I jumped right in as a counselor, grateful for multiple years of experience from church youth camps. The theme of the days went something like this:

Sunday – Arrival and introduction.

Monday – The Father Heart of God.

Tuesday - Outreach. We took the kids into the poor shanty towns across the street from where we stayed and prayed with people and played with the children.

Wednesday – Holy Spirit. We ended the day with an amazing time of practical prayer. Many kids were set free from past hurts and evils.

Thursday – Prayer/Intercession.

Friday – Closing and Praise Party.

It was amazing to see the transformation in the lives of the kids from the beginning of the week to the end.

At the end of the week we took a day trip to the town of Hermanus. Hermanus is one of the whale watching capitals of the world. Even though it was off-season, we saw a whale in the harbor. I have never seen a more beautiful place.

The second week of camp was much like the first, except in that most of our team got very sick. I was in bed for 3 days and missed connecting with the kids in my group. But God did just as much in those kids, if not more.

Week Four – This week Rhian and Jem left for England. They only had come for 3 weeks of outreach. It was hard to see them go as I had grown very close to them. We were done with the core of our youth ministry and now focused on the area known as Avian Park. This was where the outcasts of Worcester lived. The spirit in that area was one of hopelessness and despair.

We worked on a house belonging to a couple named Emily and Meshek. Emily started a day care for the children of Avian park when she found out that many of the parents would lock their children in the houses while they went to work or to drink. So she took the children into her home from 8am to 5pm. She taught them, bathed them, clothed them, fed them, played with them and loved them.

The guys on our team built a roof to cover the play area between the house and the out building. I led a painting project. It was so much fun to be in charge of something like that! I got to pick out the paint and work with Emily on picking out a design for each side of the house. It took us about 2 weeks to paint the whole thing.

We also did a lot of prayer ministry in Avian Park. We walked around the area with the locals on our team and talked to lots of people, made friends with many, visited many homes and had a hand in reviving the community there.

While part of our team worked on the roof and the painting, the other part of our team helped a family who’s house had burnt down. A few of our team cleaned the whole house (that was completely covered in soot) and really ministered to that family who had lost everything.

The other thing that happened this week was that Mr. Mouser, the man in charge of the Hostel we were staying in and a Muslim, asked us if his family could cook our team an authentic curry meal. It was an amazing 5-course meal. Around that time, Mr. Mouser asked us if we would put on a program for the kids who live in the Hostel. He knew we were a Christian group and even agreed to let us talk to the kids about the teachings of Jesus. J

Week Five – We hosted a church service for the children in the hostels. It was incredible. We had a room full of kids from the schools and kids from the camps who had brought their siblings. It went so well that some of the kids decided to take it over and continue to hold a church service there every week!

Chris left for England, as he also had only committed to 3 weeks of outreach with us. Beki joined our team at the same time that Chris left along with Myra, a leader from the Kings Lodge. We continued with the projects in Avian Park along with visiting some of the local schools. We had so much fun doing the school visits. We would put together a program with a drama, some testimonies and a short teaching about God. The best part about the school visits was seeing kids from the first weeks of camp and meeting their friends.

Week Six – Avian Park was still a thriving ministry area and the relationships we built there were growing. It was so much fun to see the positive transformation in the people’s lives. We continued to hand out food to those who needed it most. We visited more schools and had the opportunity to visit two special needs schools.

Rob, one of the DTS students and a pastor (who had been a pastor for 30 years) had done some years of work on the radio. Rob and some of the other DTS students had the opportunity to be on the local radio for about 4 weeks in a row! They were on the radio with some of the kids from the youth camps (who gave testimonies from the camps). It was so much fun to turn on the radio and hear our friends. J

Week Seven – This week we had the opportunity to interact with the King’s Kids (the youth from The King’s Lodge) who were in South Africa for 3 weeks. We attended an open-air service that the King’s Kids hosted in the Riverview Flats area. After the open-air, our team had the chance to walk around the area and pray with people. My team of 4 people was invited into one of the flats. I was able to pray for a lady who was having pains in her neck. She was healed! J

The last day we were scheduled to do ministry was a Sunday. Edward had met a pastor who invited him to preach in his church. We showed up at the church for the 5 o’clock service only to find that the pastor had forgotten and there was no service. But that did not stop us! We had our sound system and our instruments and our people, so we headed over to the cricket field in the middle of the area called Hex Park. We held our very own open-air church service! It was so much fun! At first we just had about 10 kids who joined us as we sang some songs, then some more as Edward began to speak on Discipleship. Then their parents came out and at the end of the service there were about 40 or 50 people gathered in the cold night (the sun had set).

Edward asked me to give a short testimony. I spoke for about 5 minutes about how God had gotten bigger for me while I was in Africa. Worcester is in a valley surrounded by beautiful mountains. I talked about how God is like the mountains. He is always there, protecting us, giving beauty to our lives and never changing yet always different. I said how sometimes, with God so close to us, we can become blind to Him. If you live with the mountains all around you, you forget they are there; you disregard their beauty. But if you come at your surroundings with fresh eyes, like someone seeing mountains for the first time, you see the magnificent splendor as you behold them. That is how God is. God is like the mountains. We mustn’t forget that He is there.

It was a fantastic ending to an amazing outreach. I couldn’t have asked for a better close. At the very end, after everyone’s gifts had been strengthened, tried and proved, they were brought together in perfection. I had the opportunity, that night, to pray with a lady named Wilma who had come out to join the service. I asked her what she would like prayer for. She replied, “I smoke, I drink, and I would like to give my life to Jesus”. So I prayed with her and she accepted Jesus into her life. It was wonderful because she embraced the challenges that come with full surrender. I was so honored to be able to pray with her. Praise Jesus. J

Over the whole 7 weeks in South Africa we had the opportunity to join with YWAM Worcester for their Base Worship and Intercession, every Monday and Wednesday. It was a much-needed time of community and refocusing. We made many friends at the YWAM base there. J

That open-air service was on a Sunday, on Monday our English team left for Goudini Spa. Erena (who led the African team and who had facilitated our trip) blessed us with 2 days to relax before we headed home. We had a few rooms, 3 to a room, and use of the Spa (you had to pay for everything but the mineral pool). It was a good time to sleep. The only thing I endeavored to try was the renowned mineral water pool heated by the hot springs. It was amazing. J

On Wednesday afternoon, our African team members came to say goodbye. We hugged, cried, ate ‘sandwiches’ with jelly and cheese, took pictures and left. In the 7 weeks I was in South Africa, I had been to the Cape Town airport 4 times - once on arrival, once to drop off Rhian and Jem, once to drop off Chris and departure. This was the strangest van ride ever to the airport. We were leaving. Leaving Africa.

The plane ride was as long as the first one and England was ridiculously sunny. (It had been raining in South Africa when we left and the days were substantially shorter as it was their winter). The first thing I noticed about England was the lack of trash on the ground and the delicious quality of the air. We were greeted at the Kings Lodge by all the staff that was still there (many had left for the summer). It was all so surreal.

There was one week of debrief for the DTS students, of which I was able to be a part of, and the week ended with the DTS graduation. What a night! Rhian and Jem were able to come up to join us for the evening! I had so much fun participating in the graduation, even though I was not a graduate myself. J At the end, I read part of an email I had received from Erena earlier that day –

“Wow! do we miss you guys!? BUT! the work is going on! Raylene (One of the students from our youth camps) is meeting with the hostelites (the kids living in the school hostel where we stayed) every Wednesday evening - I just heard about it last night, so I really would like to take a few of our team members to attend their meeting next week. You're so welcome to send messages then I can pass it on to them.

Yesterday Redgy and I went out to the farm where Patricia (one of the girls from our youth camps) lives - it is very far from town - way past Goudini Spa! It was an amazing time of ministry. We sat down with Patricia and her mom. It was as if their hearts were prepared, as if scales fell from their eyes (amazing what prayer does, don't you think?), and they immediately recognized the loopholes in their family relationships. It was as if the enemy was exposed without a fight. They both saw how their heart-attitudes must change to come in line with God's standard.

Tomorrow night is a big night for us. We're having our Youth Concert in the Dutch Reform Church on Church Square. We're excited about this! Been praying with the YWAM intercession group yesterday morning - Redgy, Michelle and Vivian joined me. It was awesome! Jennifer, you'll be glad to know that you sowed a seed in my heart when you suggested about the drama! The YWAM DTS have taken on the challenge. I spoke to their leadership Monday, and they're going to do a drama tomorrow night to show the youth of our town what happened at the Pardon Cafè 150 years ago! (150 years ago in the center of Worcester there was a revival led by Andrew Murray and a local girl. It was a very profound thing and is world renown.) I can't wait to see it. We also have a school boy of Montana who will be singing a song God put in his heart for the youth - and accompanying himself by piano. Don't you just wish you were here? Our radio friend, Simon, will also be performing.”

I left the Kings Lodge at 6:45am on Saturday for my flight at 8:45am. As I sat in the airport waiting for my first flight, a flight attendant approached me. “Are you flying alone?” she asked me, “Yes, I am”, I replied. I thought she was going to ask to search my bag, but instead she said, “We would like to randomly select you for a free upgrade to first class”. I was stunned. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I gladly took the seat for the 8-hour flight. The seat was amazing and the blanket was thick. After we took off I took that blanket, put it over my head, and had a good cry. What a sight I must have been.

I knew that God had done nothing short of a miracle in this journey I was on. I could never thank Him for what He had done and what He was doing. And I knew that He had GREAT plans for me back home, I was sure of that. I knew I was covered in His blessing just as much as I was covered in that blanket, just as much as those beautiful mountains in Worcester had surrounded me and just as surely as the fields of Ohio would welcome me home. I missed my dear friends that I left behind in various countries, my dear friends whom I did not know if I would ever see again. But that’s what memories and Heaven are for, right? J

As the plane descended over Columbus, well, I don’t know if I can begin to describe the feeling of seeing familiar fields, downtown, landmarks… home. I could feel the tears building up again. I made my way to the gate where Mom and Susan were waiting for me. I didn’t know what life would be like now that I was back. I had changed and grown, as did Mom and Susan. But as I rounded that corner and saw them I burst into tears. We melted into a blob, the three of us, and just cried together. I was home.

What an incredible journey. What an amazing life this is. I wish I could do it justice by describing it to you. J Even though this has been very long (thank you for reading it!!!) I left out many stories that I could tell, as I’m sure you know. I am more than grateful to that Lord, to my family, and to all who prayed for me and supported my financially. Thank you!!!! And I know that the journey is not over! Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

Update Coming Soon!

2009-10-09T12:40:00.003-04:00

Hello!

I finally got together the cream of the crop of my pictures from my time abroad - 130 from 1,300 pictures. I will post it as soon as I am done writing about the whole trip.

Should be done soon!!!

Sincerely,

Anna

Faceless

2009-09-22T13:13:00.002-04:00

I was reading through my journal and found this entry from this time last year. I love growth.

9/2/08

Faceless.

As I live today, breathing, stretching, striving, I feel faceless. I am faceless. I have no desire to promote myself. Perhaps it has at its root a desire to hide in order to be found. Or perhaps it -this facelessness- is the amalgamation of my body, my soul, into that of Christ and the Church. I love the quote by the unnamed gospel preacher that says “We’ve got to unite ourselves as one body. Because Jesus is coming back, and He’s coming for a Bride, not a harem.”

In the words of Jesus, I must lose my life in order to truly find it. That seems to be the case today.

"We must release our grip on people and cling to Jesus. We must be enraptured by the Holy One so that we can love people in a holy way."

To be faceless is the best way to be a servant. To be faceless is the only way to love. For when we allow ourselves to dip into the pure well if life that is the Love of Christ and the Church we will slowly see our reflection fade away. At first it is comforting to lean over the side of the pool and see your reflection in the water, an assurance that you are part of that body. However, it is only when you jump into the pool that you truly enter in, and when you do, the ripples will blur any reflection of singularity and ones former self.

I rejoice in facelessness! What peace, what joy it brings! To live this life as a faceless one, and serve a faceless King.

When People Make You Human

2009-09-21T21:58:00.001-04:00

I love my job.

I love what I do. I love that smiling at people and being cheerful really does make a difference in a person's day. But most of the time it just feels like I'm a machine; like I'm just the cashier and I should have all the answers.

Once in a while, though, someone comes through my line who makes me feel human again.

It's the people who notice something about you. The people who hear you talk about a passion an ask you about it. The lady who comes through the check out line and asks me what instrument I play because I'm wearing a musical note necklace. The woman who just got back from Europe and tells me of her travels. The old man who tells me about his now deceased niece named Anna. The people who, when I ask them "How are you today?" respond with "I'm good, thank you. How are you??"

People have such a great power over your life. It's not the goal of our life, it's a product of the Fall, BUT it does reflect our hearts desire. We are made to make life better.

Man was made to receive God's love, woman was made to receive God's love and bring beauty to man's life. We need each other. It's in our souls.

A smile, a nod, a firm handshake, a friendly conversation, attention, affection, kindness. It makes a difference... Do you know how much affect you have on the lives of others? Even people you don't know. You can be Jesus for someone.

I love my job. It's not that big of a deal. I'm just a cashier. It's not the goal of my life. I don't plan to be there for much longer. But I would if I had to. I love people and I know I make a difference. Yeah it sounds silly. But I'm doing it for Jesus.

What are you doing? Who do you make human?

New Poem

2009-09-14T12:03:00.002-04:00

Holding Hope's Hand

By Anna Jefferis

September, 2009

I'm trekking down the same road, trudging through the same mud

My bones grow tired, my boots rub thin, pacing through this life I'm in

Keep moving forward, it can't be far, holding Hope's hand in darkest hour

Hope pulls me forward, strengthens me on, stretching me further to what lies beyond

I am alone, companions fade from my side, save for Your Love, in which I abide

Strengthened by fruits that grow on Your vine, I choose not to grumble, complain or to whine

Hope draws me deeper, his left hand I hold, his right hand is grasping the Love makes me bold

With boldness anew, I look up to see, persevering this suffering breeds character in me

Love draws Hope deeper, and thereby draws me, further and further into this sea

I think I might drown, it is too far ahead, but Love keeps me floating, won't leave me for dead

Tossed about by looming waves, Hope gives me strength to steady my gaze

And that's where you'll find me, holding Hope's left hand, trudging through darkness, through mud and through sand

I don't grasp for Hope's right, for Love's claim is there, I am content to be left here.

---

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, wehave peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 5:1-5

Book List

2009-09-10T17:07:00.002-04:00

I compiled a list of some of my favorite books for a friend and thought I would share it with you. (Makes lots of lists is Rule # 9 of the 8 Steps to Successful blogging, dont-cha-know.)

Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliott (I'm re-reading it now. VERY challenging and good. Short chapters, fun easy to read)
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (excellent for understanding women, I learned a few things from it myself...)
The Shack by William Young (WOW. WOW. Just WOW. A must read.)
Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven But Nobody Wants to Die by David Crowder (Excellent book about life and grief. The most creatively written book I have ever read. It's just interesting to look at. :))
Blessed Child by Ted Dekker (Woah. Amazing book. Fast paced, easy read, VERY powerful. About the Kingdom of God, purity of heart and the power of love and faith.)
Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller (I <3>
Searching for God Knows What by Don Miller (again, excellent writer. First couple of chapters are a bit dry but it picks up.)
Through Painted Deserts by Don Miller (So basically anything by Miller I would suggest. He has a new book coming out soon! I can't wait! And he has a book about growing up as a boy, which I haven't read but would look into if I were a guy... lol This one (TPD) is very fun and powerful to read. It's about leaving home and the adventures that follow)
The Great Divorce by C. S. Lewis (Wonderful analogy about heaven and earth and the hell that is in between. This book contains Lewis' famous 'devil/dragon on your shoulder' scene. Also, George MacDonald is a character in heaven. :P)
Lilith by George MacDonald (One of my favorite books of all time. A beautiful novel about life and truth and what happens to Adam [yeah, like Adam and Eve]. There are so many twists and turns in this book I won't even try to give you the story line. Just read it. It's worth it. :))
The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne (a little extreme, ok very extreme, at some points, but overall the message of this book is "Go and live boldly like Jesus and discard the chains of 'religion' that tie you down". Good book, full of life stories that is fun to read.)
A Generous Orthodoxy by Brian McLaren (This book really impacted me. It talks about the different main denominations, where they came from and what they believe. The stories in this book are powerful and really changed the way I look at different parts of faith.)
How to be a Christian in a Brave New World by Dr. Nigel Cameron and Joni Ereckson Tada (This book is about bio-ethics. Very, very powerful book. If you want to be in any sort of public area of influence, this is a must read)
Till We Have Faces by C. S. Lewis (Very strange, very interesting book based on a myth. The end is really heroic and is the reason I like the verse 2 Corinthians 3:18, which is the verse for my women's group.)
Also, anything by Eric and or Leslie Ludy. Some of my fav authors too. I've read When God Writes Your Love Story and When Dreams Come True. I want to read more of their stuff. Such good authors with great and powerful stories. :)

The books on my reading list that I haven't read yet are

This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness by Frank Perettii (Both about spiritual warfare. Both of them together are like 400-500 pages :/ )
Drops Like Stars by Rob Bell (about art and suffering. I'm super excited about this one.)
Sex God by Rob Bell (hmm guess what that's about... sex and God. lol)
Jesus Wants to Save the Christians by Rob Bell (Kinda based on what Ghandi said "I like your Jesus but I hate your christians, they look nothing like their Jesus".)

What have your read?

8 Steps to a successful blog

2009-09-08T16:32:00.005-04:00

There are a few things I have noticed about successful blogging, and a list I have complied.

Write stuff in said blog
Update said blog often
Have a topic to write about in said blog
Have a topic to write about in said blog that is other than your boring life
Understanding that your life IS boring and no one wants to know what you had for dinner or where you are going on Saturday
Be funny
If the author of said blog cannot be funny, said author of said blog should NOT *try* to be funny but should stick with serious thought provoking posts
If said author of said blog cannot be funny or thought provoking, said author should buy a journal and delete said blog

Unfortunately, although I wish to be a successful blogger, I have slack in many of the steps that are required to achieve this. Bear with me as I attempt, a second time, to blog with the best of them.

For the first time in years I miss Xanga. Remember that? We used it when we were awkward teens to post about how independently creative and cool we were. I miss that you could show your "currently listening to" to "currently reading". Well I am currently listening to Owl City's myspace [I heart] and currently reading Matthew chapter 7. But by blogging that I just violated rule # 4. Ah, well... life moves on.

Tune in next time - same time, same channel - for another astounding update.

Genuinely,

Anna Elizabeth :]

South Africa, I love thee...

2009-08-14T13:57:00.002-04:00

I've returned from South Africa and am back at the Kings Lodge in England.

Wow.

I can not even begin to express the love that I have for that country. The people... wow... some of my new dearest friends are in that country. The mountains... breathtaking. The language... so much fun to learn. The way that God is moving in the city of Worcester... incredibly visible.

I will upload more pictures soon. I still have to transfer them from another computer.

I have so much to process from this experience. So much has changed. So much has happened. I have changed. I am new. I am wiser from it. So much has changed in every sphere of my life. haha I am THRILLED with what God will do next.

Random fact that I just thought of - the album that I listened to the most in South Africa is Who We Are by Lifehouse. I'm listening to it right now. *smile*

I will be in England for another week. My flight leaves on Saturday morning, August 22. Then I will be home. HOME. Home. *smile* It is true that all things work together at the perfect time. I wasn't excited to come home until it was time. Now I can't wait to be back. It is the right time.

¹ There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³ a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

What it means

2009-06-21T10:00:00.002-04:00

In preparation for outreach to South Africa (we leave in 3 days!!!!!) I have been thinking a lot about what the purpose is. What am I doing this for? What does God want to do through me? How does He want to change me and use me to serve these people?

I was reminded of a story I wrote a few years ago, based on a dream I had. Here it is, dug out from the recesses of my documents.

Rescuing Johnny

By Anna Jefferis

8/18/06

As inspired by two dreams

I walked up to the edge of the crowd. Looking down into the flood of people I could see the arena and the platform on which the leaders and officials were standing to make an announcement. At the back of the group of leaders was the queen. She was clothed in black, red and pale grey like a spider, her crown coming down over her face and neck like a dark tattoo. The crowd was murmuring about the "games" that were to begin. The sacred games that were held every year.

The queen stood up and made her way to the front of the stage. The crowd hushed. Those who did not notice and were still talking were summoned to the back of the arena and were taken away. The queen called for those who wished to be sacrificed in the name of the games - sacrificed to society. There were 5 teams. Orange, blue, green, yellow and purple. The leaders called for people from the crowd to represent each team. At least 15 people to each team. 150 came. I watched in horror as people from all over the crowd robotically stood up, raising their hands to join the games. Didn't they know what they were doing? I thought. They were being called to the slaughter by their leaders. And they are going.

I slowly made my way to the edge of the arena to watch what was happening. The arena was huge and filled with water. An enormous pool 80 feet deep and 1/4 of a mile across.

The teams had been formed. A little girl I had met earlier that day was in the orange team. My mouth dropped open as I saw that there were so many young children, possibly that couldn't even swim.

They all streamed passed the officials and I got a glimpse of the deeper plot. The officials were giving each person a shot in the arm with a serum as they gave them their colored armband. It was a drug. It was despair.

After everyone had gotten their armband and shot they walked into the pool and were ordered to swim laps around it. Many were gone after stepping in the pool because they couldn't even swim. They had been given no choice led to their death by society. I shook as I watched at the edge of the pool. I had found one of my friends, an outsider like me from this cannibalistic society. We stood there leaning over the arena wall watching, holding our breath, trying to figure this thing out. All of the sudden I looked to see the thousands of people that had started the games had been dwindled down to a mere one hundred. Where did they all go?! I saw them just a minute ago. "They are at the bottom of the pool", my friend replied. "They are making them swim 'till they drown. The serum they gave them takes away their strength."

The few swimmers that were left were throwing things out of the pool to make room to swim. Bodies were being franticly hurled over the side of the arena as they swimmers tried to keep their heads above water. A stick hit my head. I looked to see who had thrown it. I recognized the boy. He had played for a volleyball team I was once on. He had a glass eye. He was an outcast, a nobody. His name was Johnny and he was no more than 9 years old. He smiled when he saw me and swam over to the side of the pool. "It's a drug they gave us", he said with a faint and exhausted smile, "it will be over soon". The hot tears rushed to my eyes. How could this happen. Who could do such a thing to this little boy I knew? "You're going to be ok", I said over my tears, "Let's get you out of there". My friend and I pulled him out of the pool and I held him up. "I have to do this", Johnny said. "No you don't" I returned, "This is wrong. You'll be ok now." I put my arms around him and prayed for him. I knew the drug was getting to him and that he wouldn't last long. "Dear God, take this son of Yours and hold his soul in Your hand. Give him peace. Keep him safe. And let him fear no more." I could barely talk I was crying so hard now. Johnny was so weak. He was so innocent. I pushed him up into the stands and held him, telling him everything would be ok. "I have to go back. Come on Mommy." He called me Mommy! Oh! He called me Mommy. He must not have a Mommy. I let the tears fall on his back as I held him close. He held my finger in his little hand. I didn't think there was anything to do but to hold him and pray for him 'till the drug took full effect and he was gone. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw a syringe. It was bright and had been hidden in the corner. It shown like the sun on ice. It was the antidote to the drug of despair that society had given; it was "The Knowledge of Love". I grabbed it and gave it to Johnny. He had fallen asleep in my lap. At least I was praying he was just sleeping. Yes I could feel him breathing. I gave him the antidote and felt him breath deeply. A look of calm and peace came over his face. He was safe.

I looked back out into the arena and saw so many more faces I recognized. The cashier at Wal-mart. The mechanic. The lady across the street. The greeter at church. The kid that sits in the corner every week at youth group that no on ever talks to. The kid that picked on me in phys. ed. when I was in elementary school. The people that everyone recognizes but never speaks to. The people that we ignore. The misfits and odd balls. The uncool, the broken.

The least of these. I wept because I knew know what was going on. The game, these sacred games of society was the way that they got rid of the unwanted. The ritualistic sacrificing of human lives for the comfort of a few. They were told that they were not loved and thus they could afford to be in the games. But really that was not true. They were valuable. If it weren't for the forgotten ones the games would not go on.

All these people needed was the knowledge that they were loved. That someone knows their name and that they are not forgotten. I knew I couldn't rescue them all, but I knew I had to love those that were left swimming around the arena, playing in the games of society - their lives on the line. God had showed me how to rescue Johnny; I had to love the others too. It was not a choice. If I did not, who knows if anyone else would. Perhaps I was the only one left in this world that knew their names. Their very lives were on the line. I was scared but I made my way back through the crowd. Oh look I know her.....

We are all worth so much. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith" - 1 Peter 5:7-9a

Satan wishes us all dead. He will do whatever it takes to pull us down into despair and crush us under his fist. Never let him tell you that you are worthless. Only the opposite is true. Be on your guard. You life is on the line. Run to God and hide your life in His hands, it will be safe there.

"Then the just and upright will answer Him, Lord, when did we see You hungry and gave You food, or thirsty and gave You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger and welcomed and entertained You, or naked and clothed You? And when did we see You sick or in prison and came to visit You? And the King will reply to them, Truly I tell you, in so far as you did it for one of the least [^[k]in the estimation of men] of these My brethren, you did it for Me." - Matthew 25:37-40

"And He will reply to them, Solemnly I declare to you, in so far as you failed to do it for the least [^[m]in the estimation of men] of these, you failed to do it for Me." - Matthew 25:45

"And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me."" - Luke 22:19

Jesus talks about doing for the least of these. Why did he do that? Because He was one of the least of these. He was an outcast, an oddball. He asked during the last supper that we "remember me." It breaks my heart to think that we could forget Christ. But I do all the time. Remember Jesus. Remember the least of these.

Leaving on a jet plane

2009-06-13T11:17:00.008-04:00

Hello!

I am overwhelmingly ecstatic to announce that I raised all the money I need! God is so good!

I had calculated that I was £100 short. Yesterday I went to see if I could pay part of my balance with the money that I had and turns out I owed a lot less than I thought and actually had some money left over! And then I went to rebook my flight home, and it was about £500 less than I thought it would be! I spent most of yesterday humbled to tears.

The YWAM team and I leave for South Africa on June 24. We will fly into Dubai and then down to Cape Town. The total travel time is something like 18 hours. After landing in Cape town we will make our way over to Worcester where we will stay for the majority of the outreach.

For the first month we will stay at a school and host week long youth camps for local impoverished high school kids. We will be mainly working with the youth in the area along with sponsoring the building of prayer houses on the school grounds and working with food ministry.

The second month we will move to another school, a college this time, and do some of the same things. There is a possibility that we might move to the Worcester YWAM base for a week or so before we leave but that is not determined yet. There will be opportunities to go into Cape Town, go to the coast and see PENGUINS (!!!), and reach out to the people in the slums.

Please pray for us as we work with kids and youth workers in the white, black and colored schools and communities. There is significant differences between the three cultures and we want to bring healing and compassion to these areas.

We will arrive back at The Kings Lodge on August 12 and debrief week will start on August 17. Graduation for the DTS class is August 20 and I am leaving for Columbus on August 22. August 22, @ 3pm I will be back in good old O-H-I-O. :)

I am so excited to see what happens in the next 9 weeks! God is changing me so much and teaching me so much. I am not who I used to be.

Please keep me and the team in prayer for unity, grace, stamina, encouragement, resource, enthusiasm, energy, joy and courage as we step out of our comfort zones a little more.

As always, please stay in touch! My Skype is annaelizabeth89, contact me on Facebook or send me an email. I will have to go into town to get internet in South Africa but I do want to stay in contact. :) I will need the encouragement. :)

Missing you all back home and those that I have met here in England,

Warmly,

Anna Elizabeth

One Month

2009-05-20T11:04:00.004-04:00

On April 20 I got on a plane headed for the UK. One month later I am amazed at what God has done. One month later, this is home.

I give you peace; the kind of peace that I can only give. It isn't like the peace that this world can give. So don't be worried or afraid. John 14:27

The other day in Base worship (everyone at The Kings Lodge) the leader had everyone write a psalm.

A Psalm

of Anna

May 18, 2009

I have not love, I have not peace

God IS love, God is peace

Fear surrounds me, accusations on all sides

My heart is eaten away by the enemy of my soul

Temptation comes and I am devoured

But the Lord comes to my rescue

Like a mighty warrior He shuts the mouths of my attackers

I have not the power, nor righteousness, nor the strength of will

But my God reigns!

The Lord God Almighty has rescued and redeemed!

I am covered by His right arm. He is my shield

Where I end, He begins

I have nothing but my God

Praise the Lord!

He has forgiven, the Lord has redeemed

Sing a new song to the Mighty Savior

His love endures forever

Amen

Hello from London!

2009-05-09T04:33:00.003-04:00

So the DTS class and I are in London for a long weekend. :D
One of the students, John (Jisu) is Korean and found us a Korean hostel to stay at in the heart of London. Korean breakfast was unlike anything I have ever had before. :]
Yesterday the 8 of us, Joanna(Notinghamshire, UK), Britta(Germany), Suzanne(Southside of England), Ligia(Brazil), John(Korea), Jennifer(Conneticut,USA), Cindy(Belgium) and myself(Ohio, USA), walked around London for over 9 hours.
Well, got to jet, we are leaving to go over to London Tower and the east side of London today.
Sincerely,
Anna

Support for South Africa

2009-04-30T16:30:00.005-04:00

I need YOU to support me in my missions trip to South Africa!

I am settled in, here in England. God has already begun to work on my character and my identity, addressing such issues as "who am I out of context?", "do I trust God?", "Who is God?", "what is my purpose?", and the idea of rest vs. work. It is all very exciting.

I have been watching baby Daan from roughly 8am till 1pm an have really been enjoying learning how to take care of him. I changed my first diaper! (Well, his diaper...not mine...haha)

Next tuesday will mark 2 weeks here in England already and I am amazing at what God is doing. May 8-10 is a long weekend that YWAM is giving the school so Edward and Jet (the parents), their class and I are going to London for 2 days. I'm excited. We will be staying in a Korean Hostel in the center of London. So the adventure continues!

Like I said, I have really been struggling with my identity away from home and had reverted back to my past ways of considering myself a burden and withdrawing into my self. Fortunately, God and Jet caught me in that before it go out of hand and I have begun to dive into the deep pool of "who am I", "who is God" and "what does God want for me"? Part of this healing and journey has been wrestling over the opportunity to go to South Africa with the team from mid June to mid August.

I believe I mentioned about the possibility of going to South Africa with the team. I had no idea the reality of this offer. I am being offered a full-fledged position on the Mega-Outreach team for the whole 2 month mission. http://thekingslodge.com/missionoutreach/southafrica.html

The cost is around $2,000.

So I have been wrestling with whether or not to go, if it's my place, is it selfish to go, can I afford it, can I ask my mom for the money, etc. I was feeling real confused about it until yesterday when it hit me...

I had been asking God for a sign and praying about it and not getting an answer until I realized what God had already done for me. He had completely arranged for this WHOLE trip, got me all the papers, opened doors left and right. God has made a way for me where there seems to be no way. It was when I realized this that I knew I should go.

God has made a way for me to go. He has provided the opportunity and opened the doors. All I have to do is step through.... step through and raise the money. (Oh yeah... forgot about that part...)

I have never really asked anyone for money. It's kinda hard for me to do. But I was encouraged to do so and was told, "I think you'll be surprised how generous people will be". I am wondering if any of you would be willing to pray about it and contribute as much as you feel led. I still need to figure out how to receive funds internationally but we can cross that bridge when we get there.

So there you have it. I am going to South Africa for two months. And I need to raise the money. Please be praying for me as I continue to walk in the unknown. Your prayers, support, emails, letters, facebooks, skypes, and encouragement makes all the difference.

Please continue to pray for me as I embark on this amazing journey. Pray for favor and faith, strength and support, hope and health, peace and power. Pray also for my family who stays behind.

I started reading a book called "Through Painted Deserts" by Don Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz, and there is a part in the beginning that really struck me-

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is that your story will be about changing, about getting some beautiful born inside you, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you-

"Leave"

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."

So thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your support. And thank you to those of you who will contribute financially. This is an amazing adventure. Such wonderful opportunity to venture out into other lands and to be able to share the gospel and heal the broken all at the same time! How great is our God.

In Him^,

Anna

The One Thing

2009-04-27T01:10:00.004-04:00

I had a dream that challenged me with this question-

What if you did the one thing you always promised yourself you would never do? What if you made the one mistake you judge others for the most? What would you do? How would that change you? How would you live? Who would you be?

Let me know your thoughts.

-Anna

First day in England

2009-04-22T07:12:00.006-04:00

Today marks my first full day here at The Kings Lodge. :]

After many flight delays and missing my bus, I arrived yesterday at about 4:30 in the afternoon. Jet and Edward were so welcoming and excited to see me. I got settled and we had super with the group.

Everyone I meet says something like, "Oh! You're Anna! We've been praying for you for weeks!!!" or "Anna! You've arrived! An answer to prayer right before my eyes". I'm not quite sure how to think about it all yet.

The Kings Lodge is beautiful!!! The room I'm in is lovely and has two majestic windows that overlook the front lawn. There are people here from England, America, Germany, Brazil, Korea, Malaysia, Amsterdam, among others. And someone from South Africa will be arriving later. :]

I'm excited for the opportunity to experience it all. Daan is so much fun and so easy-going. He likes my nose and my glasses the bast so far. :P It's cool because Jet confirmed what I felt during my quite time this morning; that it's ok for me to take care of myself. And in fact, that I need to value myself especially while I'm here, if only so that I can serve more wholly.

There is a man from Kentucky here and also a British Lady who lived in my neighborhood and who's husband used to teach at OSU. :] How cool is that? :]

Dinner [main meal of the day] is at 1pm (in 30 minutes) so I better go. Jet lent me a book on parenting that I am going to read through. :] Praise the Lord, it hasn't rained yet! It is so sunny and beautiful out!

Please feel free to send me a letter if you want *wink wink* the address is:

The King's Lodge
               Watling Street
               Nuneaton
               Warwickshire
               CV10 0TZ
               England

Have a great day! Leave me a comment so I know you read this. :)

God bless and keep my family and I in prayer!

In Him^,

Anna :]

Grand Adventures

2009-04-20T12:29:00.002-04:00

Tonight I leave for England at 6:11pm.

Wow.

Accountability

2009-04-18T11:39:00.005-04:00

Accountability is one of the most beautiful aspects of community.

I love accountability. It is challenging, scary and unique. I had an interesting run in with accountability the other day.

I was at Giant Eagle, I had just dropped Susan off and was getting some groceries, when I ran into Mike. We started talking and I told him about my trip to Chicago and joked about how walking 15 blocks filled my quota of exercise for the month. The conversation went something like this-

Mike: That's more like the quota for a day, isn't it?

Me: What?! lol no.

Mike: What happened to your New Years Resolution?

Me: Um what are you talking about? My resolutions were to learn piano and not fear.

Mike: No you said you were going to exercise. I read it on your blog.

*pause, major conviction and ownage*

Me: Um...ohhhh that. Uh, that was just to fit in with all the regular new years...um resolutions...

Mike: Oh so you were lying.

Me: Ummm

Mike: You didn't mean it.

Me: Uh wow.

Needless to say, even though it was all in jest, I was a little more than convicted and yet, at the same time, very grateful for the accountability.

How precious it is to live in community where we share our lives in a way that invites encouragement, accountability, truth, boldness and justice. That is the kind of community I want to live in.

Thank you to my friends who keep me honest, who take interest in my life, who are not afraid to speak into my life and who encourage me to keep pressing on. You are the heart of Jesus to me.

A bigger love than me

2009-04-16T22:35:00.005-04:00

I need to preface what I am about to say with this-

Today at about 5 or 6 pm (everything's kinda a blur right now...) I got a call from the visa agency. My visa went though and is done! They are overnighting it and I will have it by tomorrow!

Can you believe it?!? I'm not sure I can. Ha! Wow.

Ok so, let me just recap.

One week after that (about 2 1/2 weeks ago) I got a message from Rachel asking me if I could go in her place to England to nanny for a dutch family she knew. My initial reaction (as was my reaction to every event leading up to this) was, "oh no way. That is WAY too awesome. There is no way God wants that for ME." That same day (or was it the next) I had talked to Edward and Jet via international phone and had made plans for me to come to England to nanny! That week things fell into place so fast it was surreal.

Ok, come back to the now.

Let me see if I can verbalize this... God's love is so much bigger than just me. And I mean that in every sense. God loves more that I ever could. God loves me more that I understand. And most of all, God's love SURPASSES me in a majestic way.

God has been planning all this for literally ever. Every bit of my life has been preparation for this moment, for the now. And he loves me so much. So much.

I was just told by a friend that I do not have to worry about myself or my family because "you are in the palm of God's hand, and that is the safest place you can be". Let that sink in for a moment. How big is God? How wide is his love? How deep? What are his limits? Can he sleep? Does he have to wait? Does he obey bureaucracy?

And see, this is where it sinks in even deeper. God's love is so much bigger than me. God's love is overflowing for Edward and Jet and baby Daan. This little glimpse of eternity, this moment in time, God cares enough to move mountains to get me to England. Why? I don't know completely yet, but I do know that God cares so much about Daan that he wants me to help take care of him. God cares so much for Edward and Jet that he wants them to be able to focus these next three months and soak up knowledge of Himself. God cares so much for my sister that he has been preparing and growing her in these past few months to really thrive and express herself. God cares so much for my Mom that he is providing for her daughters and bestowing a new peace.

God's love is so much bigger.

I found this Psalm last week and it felt like a personal blessing.

Psalm 138

Of David.

¹ I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
before the "gods" I will sing your praise.

² I will bow down toward your holy temple
       and will praise your name
       for your love and your faithfulness,
       for you have exalted above all things
       your name and your word.

³ When I called, you answered me;
you made me bold and stouthearted.

⁴ May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD,
when they hear the words of your mouth.

⁵ May they sing of the ways of the LORD,
for the glory of the LORD is great.

⁶ Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly,
but the proud he knows from afar.

⁷ Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
       you preserve my life;
       you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
       with your right hand you save me.

⁸ The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.

---

Question of the week: Is your 'God' good?

Not so fast!

2009-04-09T10:52:00.002-04:00

Well, it's Thursday, April 9th and I am not on a flight. In fact, I have been up since 4:45am sorting through multiple pages of information from the UK Embassy.

I found out just in time that I need a visa to nanny in England. It's real cool because as soon as I found out, not two hours later, I had almost all the paperwork and information I needed.

One of the things I needed done was a background check. One of the things they check for are minor offenses including speeding. My record came back completely clear.

KIDS- this is exactly why you need to be careful and wise in everything you do. That speeding ticket or that one drink could cost you amazing opportunities in the future. Be wise, don't compromise.

So this amazing journey continues. I am so grateful for the people around me who have been encouraging and supportive.

The Pros are-

I GET TO SPEND EASTER WITH MY FAMILY!

Cons-

Waiting

"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, oh Lord, endures forever - do not abandon the works of Your hands." - Psalm 138:8

England

2009-04-03T09:27:00.004-04:00

On April 9th at 1:31pm I will be sitting on the tarmac of the Port Columbus International Airport destined for Philadelphia. After an almost 4 hour layover in Philly I will get on another plane and fly over the ocean (for the first time) to Amsterdam, Netherlands. I will be in Amsterdam for not quite 2 hours before I jump on my last plane to Birmingham, UK. At 10:30am on April 10th I will gather my guitar, 2 suitcases and my wits and travel the last leg of my journey - a 40 min car ride to Nuneaton, England and the Kings Lodge, a Youth With A Mission Discipleship Training School.

After sleeping for a few hours to fight off jet lag, I will dive into life as a nanny. I will be surrounded by 12 or so other people from 9 different nations, all gathered in the English country side to learn about Jesus.

I will share a room with 3 or 4 other girls from around the world. Life for the next 3 months will consist of taking care of baby Daan, Skyping with Mom and Susan, weekend excursions (if I can find a car) and developing my character.

I know this is going to be a wonderful opportunity for both me and my family.

Letters and such would be most welcome over the next 3 months. The address for the Kings Lodge is -

The Kings Lodge

Watling Street

Nuneaton

Warwickshire

CV 10 OTZ

England

I will also be on Skype as much as possible - annaelizabeth89

I look forward to the continued surprises of God these next few months and upon my return. Please pray for my family and I as we are apart and as we grow.

Dear Jesus, Father in Heaven,

You are Holy!

Break into this world and dwell among us as you do in heaven.

Give us just what we need for today.

Forgive us and help us to forgive others.

Do not let us fall and be ashamed, show us the way out when we are tempted to sin.

You hold the power in heaven and on earth. To you be all glory. Let your kingdom reign! Forever and ever.

Let it be so.

(paraphrased from Matthew 6:9-13)

In Him^,

Anna

P.S. Can anyone suggest some good books, podcasts, music, etc that I can dig into over the next few months?

Boldness

2009-04-01T00:51:00.003-04:00

"Whatever situation you are in, remember, God always knows something you don't"

What does boldness mean to you?

Boldness is talking to a God you can't see.

Boldness is praying for someone other than yourself.

Boldness is listening for whispers from Jesus.

Boldness is understanding when He whispers.

Boldness is hearing a request from God.

Boldness is following through.

Boldness is speaking.

Boldness is conversation.

Boldness is making a fool of yourself.

Boldness is speaking the name of Jesus. (Out loud)

Boldness is telling people God cares for them.

Boldness is pushing through fear.

Boldness is saying yes.

Boldness is saying no.

Boldness is being open to change.

Boldness is being ready.

Boldness is understanding.

Boldness is seeing.

Boldness is doing.

Boldness is love.

Boldness is passion.

But most of all, boldness is simply being in the presence of Jesus.

"This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." -Hebrews 4:15-16 (New Living Translation)

I especially like the way the New International Reader's Version puts it:

"We have a High Priest who can feel it when we are weak and hurting. We have a High Priest who has been tempted in every way, just as we are. But he did not sin. So let us boldly approach the throne of grace. Then we will receive mercy. We will find grace to help us when we need it."

The biggest step we can take. The boldest thing we can do, is to simply approach the throne of grace.

And when we become overwhelmed with fear or anxiety or anything that would hinder us from Him, remember, God is bolder than you can ever imagine. Jesus made God accessible to us so that we can come to Him and receive the gifts He has to give us.

I started this week out thinking that my life would continue on the way it was. I thought the most challenging thing God had for me at the moment was to learn to be more bold. I never thought God would choose to show me just how bold HE can be.

"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." - Hebrews 11:8

Do you not know? Have you not heard?

2009-01-13T12:46:00.002-05:00

I've been doing a lot of contemplating as of late. And have come to the conclusion that I have not yet begun to live.

A few years back, when Matt Redman came to our church for a conference he shared a picture that has always stuck with me. He painted a picture of the ocean. We, as humans, stand on the shore, ankle deep in the water, while a whale jumps out in the depths. God calls us to come deeper into the water. Those that came before us, the saints and apostles, act as the whales (heh heh) and beckon us to swim deeper.

I have come face to face with an area of pride. I have always held a firm grasp on pride because, "I am so deep in the Lord. I am so wise." And all this time, only my toes were dipped in the waters.

It's kind of a blow to the gut; to realize that what you know about God is barely sufficient to call yourself his follower. I find myself asking such questions as, "Who is God?" "How does he relate to me?" "Does God truly love unconditionally?" "Will God forgive me?" "How can he possibly stand to look at me?" "Who am I?"

I was talking with a friend over the weekend and we crossed the subject of identity. She shared a story about how she had cried out to God asking who she was. God answered, very softly, "you're asking the wrong question, Who AM I?" In order to truly understand who we are, we must first ask who is God. He is all consuming and our identity is found in him. To know ourselves, we must know our Creator.

As I mentioned, I have been doing a lot of thinking. It's very painful to think sometimes, because you know we always think about ourselves; and when you really think about who you are it can be very hard to look at yourself in the mirror.

I have felt myself become completely disgusted with myself in just about every area of my life. And I have struggled with feeling very alone because of that. It was then that I realized that I didn't know who God was.

So the other week I cried out to God. "God! Show me who you are! Don't leave me. Come to me again."

And that's when a friend of mine prayed for me and Papa spoke these words- "My sweet girl".

My sweet girl. His sweet girl. His girl. Me. God. He loves me.

But how could he love me?

It's amazing how easily we forget his love. Isn't that what happened to Eve in the garden? She forgot his love. She believed he deceived her, that he had kept his best from her.

But he loved her. He loved her more than she could ever know. And he still loves her. He still loved her even after she hated him. Even after she walked away. Even after all the shame. He loves.

*sigh*

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired and weary and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40: 28-31

I stand resolved...

2009-01-06T13:48:00.003-05:00

2009 resolutions

Learn to play the piano

Exercise at least once a week hardcore

Continue reading through the Bible

Save up for a car

Do not fear

Piece together my book

-AEJ :)

Small Beginnings

2008-12-30T10:23:00.005-05:00

It has been brought to my attention that nothing is what it seems.

Take for example - me.

Those of you who know me know that my life has a story of its own. I am alive in more ways that just living. And I know of death in a very real way. I have always been aware, in the back of my mind, that there is a greater purpose for my life.

My sister has down syndrome and because of this the doctors wanted to abort her. This was not an option for my parents and I am very glad for it. I love my sister and she makes a huge impact on those around her. :)

Susan, however, was not the only one who came close to abortion.

I am small. I stand anywhere from 5'2" to 5'4", depending on who measures, ;) And up until the age of 10 I was so small that I wasn't on the doctor's charts. Obviously, this means that I was a small baby.

My parents couldn't get pregnant for the first 4 years of their marriage. When they did they miscarried. Mom was devastated and still feels the pain of that loss to this day. You can imagine the joy when they learned they were pregnant with me.

But I was small. The doctors suggested my parents abort me and "start over".

It's a crazy thing to think that someone suggested your death before you began to live. It's incredible to look at my sister and think "this life might have never been". Or to look at myself in the mirror and be reminded that you are so valuable, your life is a prize to be won.

It really helps to gain perspective on a lot of things.

I am so grateful to my parents for their choice to let me and my sister live. And I am so grateful to live a life of purpose.

"Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin..." - Zachariah 4:10 nlt

www.abort73.com

Vanilla peaches and Aveda tea

2008-12-11T16:32:00.004-05:00

Well I was going to absolutely bleed my heart's desire onto this blog... but then I remembered that it imports into facebook and I reconsidered. (:

It is so quiet in the house right now.

I am attempting to put together a timeline of medieval authors for my English Lit test. I am distracted by the silence.

Brit Nicole helped me break the silence.

I do not know what will happen next in my life.

I do not know what tomorrow will bring.

I know that God is good and he has a plan for me.

I can not make things happen.

I can not fix it all.

And I can not force relationships to happen.

I can smile, hope, dream. And fall into the arms of the One who is in control.

What better place to dwell?

How lovely is your dwelling place, oh Lord almighty

My soul longs and even faints for You

For here my heart is satisfied, within your presence

I sing beneath the shadow of your wings

Better is one day in your house

Better is one day in your courts

Better is one day in your house

Than thousands elsewhere

One thing I ask and I would seek, to see your beauty

To find you in the place your glory dwells

One thing I ask and I would seek

To see your beauty

To find you in the place your glory dwells

My heart and flesh cry out

For you the living God

Your spirit's water for my soul

I've tasted and I've seen

Come once again to me

I will draw near to you

The problem is, I love you-

Anna Elizabeth

Remeber when we were kids?

2008-12-02T13:36:00.006-05:00

Remember when we were 13 and were really insecure? We would stand around in groups in hopes that you would know our names.

Remember when we were 14? We would rock out to Switchfoot in the car as our mother's drove us around. And we thought we were so old.

Remember when we were 15? We were cynical of most everything just because it was cool. We didn't know who we were. We just wanted you to love us.

Remember when we were 16 when we learned how to drive away? I met you at your house for the first time. For the first time we were like the kids in the movies.

Remember when we were 17? We were popular then. We did what we wanted and paid the price. We thought about the future but not about the present.

Remember when we were 18? In one day we became adults. What is responsibility? We grew up that year by learning. No longer do we want to grow up. Life moves too fast.

Remember when we were kids? It all happened so fast. Why did we wish it away? A memory serves that purpose of reminding us where we have been.

Hope is Rising in my Soul

2008-11-28T12:42:00.003-05:00

One girl’s journey through pain and into joy
An Autobiography
By Anna Jefferis

It’s been 5 years since the journey began, but I remember it like it was just the other day. It was 2003 and I was 13 years old. I sat on my bed, Indian style, with my Bible open to 1 Peter 1:3-9 and read these words –
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade – kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
I had been raised in a Christian home my whole life, had been baptized at the age of 8 and prayed the “Sinner’s prayer” at the age of 10, but I had never taken part in a relationship with Jesus, until that night.
As I pondered the words from 1 Peter I was overcome with emotions I had never felt. A passion birthed from tears welling up in my chest. I wanted to know that ‘inexpressible and glorious joy’. I wanted to live that exciting life. I wanted to be completely available to this God. I wanted Him to use me.
I thought about the love of God that I had always been taught. I thought of His mercy and goodness. I thought of my parents who lived out such an example of reliance on Jesus. I especially thought of my Dad, who had told me stories about God and heaven. My Dad’s enormous passion for the gospel danced in his eyes when he talked about it. I wanted to know that joy for myself.
I read over the passage once more and whispered this prayer: “Dear Lord, I want to know You. I want to follow You. I want to suffer for Your name. I want to share in the glory of Your name. Please do with me whatever You want. Take my life and use it, make a difference through me. I love You. Use me, Lord. Amen.”
Little did I know how literally that prayer would be taken or how much it would change my life – forever.

***

Times were tough for us that year. My Dad, who had always been a sculptor, took several extra jobs, one of which was working at a wood mill. It was early November of that same year when it happened. Dad was making a delivery one day and stumbled, slamming his head into the lumber he was carrying. He had a sever fall and went to the hospital where he was told he had a concussion.
My Mom, sister and I went to visit Dad in the hospital. I remember hugging him, hospital gown and all, and telling him that he was the best Dad ever. I never liked hospitals, especially after my Grandfather had died, and I was looking forward to my Dad coming home. I wondered why the doctors kept him so long, why they were running so many tests, and why my Mom looked so worried. I didn’t know much about medicine but I knew a concussion was no big deal.
One November night my Mom, sister, a family friend Molly and I went to visit Dad, he had asked the nurse if we could use a private conference room to talk. I was worried, why did we need to talk in there? And why was Molly with us? I started to get defensive.
Dad had us sit down and took my hand. “What’s going on?” I asked. “I have something I need to tell you”, he said. I was scared now. “I have cancer,” the words cut me like a sword, “brain cancer.” I wanted to scream, I looked around the room, the hot tears flooding my eyes. “But it’s ok,” he continued, “I get to be with Jesus”.
How could he? How could he die!? Was this some kind of morbid joke? I was only 13 years old, already confused by life. My world began to spin, faster, faster. I became dizzy. Dad squeezed my hand; I wanted to pull away, to withdraw from the world. Maybe then I would be safe.

***

Molly took Susan home while Mom and I went to the grocery store. We needed bread, eggs and talk time.
“Remember how God reminded me of our vows a while ago? For better or worse, in sickness and in health. I think God was preparing me for this.” I knew Mom was right. God had been preparing all of us for the past few months.
I held on to Mom’s arm as we got all our comfort foods. We talked a little more about how the next few weeks were going to go, when doctor appointments would be and who was going to make meals. Then, in the middle of the grocery store between the ice cream and the juices, we hugged. We hugged and we cried.
By time we pulled in the garage we were able to laugh through our tears. Molly had brought Susan home and was waiting for us. Dad had stayed at the hospital. My emotions were running rampant. I wanted to laugh and cry and to scream. I remember there was a very warm glow about our house, a stark contrast to the muted colors of the hospital. Even though everything was falling apart, there was a sense of safety in our home.
The tone of the adults was very sober and I made my way to my room. I sat at my desk and pulled out a piece of notebook paper and a pen. In giant letters I scrawled MY DAD HAS CANCER across the page. A hot tear smudged one of the words. I let every tear come as I crumpled in my chair.
Suddenly, I heard these words, “You have a choice. You can turn from God, run away from Him and hate Him. Or you can run straight into His arms”. I picked up my head. The choice was clear. Quitting was not an option, my dad had taught me that. I would run into the arms of the only One who could save me now.

***

The months progressed and the cancer advanced. One of the last things my Father was able to do was see me qualify for the National Christian Forensics and Communications Association’s national tournament. It was my first year in speech and that meant I didn’t have a good chance of qualifying. I wasn’t even supposed to be any good my first year. But then again, lots of things happen that aren’t supposed to…
The national tournament was in Virginia that year and our whole family went. It was amazing. The excitement and energy of the tournament thrilled me. I managed to do well in all my events although I didn’t win any awards. I embraced every moment of that experience. And a little bit behind me my Father followed with his newsboy cap, oatmeal colored wool sweater and sturdy cane. My Mom held his arm and my sister recited my speech along with me, under her breath, word for word.
After the long weekend in Virginia we took a few weeks vacation to visit Dad’s parents in Florida. While in Florida Mom and Dad said that they were one their second honeymoon, I read through the Hobbit, a book that my Dad had given me, and Susan and I swam every day. It would have been a lovely vacation, except for the pain that now hung in the back of our eyes. One evening, around sunset, Dad whispered to Mom that he was going to miss us. I think that was the first time they truly wept together over the pain.

When we got back home it was July of 2004. Eight months after the diagnosis, and Dad now slept in a hospital bed in our living room. The doctors had put him on steroids to decrease the swelling of his tumor. However, the steroids also disfigured his body and made his eyes swell almost completely shut.
I had to sit with Dad as he slept one day. He would wake up from nightmares every few minutes and would need someone to hug him, hold his hand and assure him that he was ok. Oh how I relished those hugs. They were some of the last ones I received from him.
It was about this time that I said goodbye to my Father in my heart. He was not dead, but he was no longer himself. The cancer had taken over him, and the medication had taken over what was left. Because the tumor was inoperable, we had to cope with the fact that he would never get better. I proceeded to shut down inside. I no longer wished to feel. The only thing that mattered was survival.

I will forever remember the day my Dad died. It was August 18th, 2004. The night before had been even more sober than usual. We all went to bed empty, shells of ourselves. I woke at 7am to the sound of my Mom getting up. The floorboards squeaked as she went to check on my Father. I got out of bed, mechanically, and went into the living room. I sat on the couch; a chill ran through the house. We were alone.

***

Time moved slowly forward and I fell into depression. I scared myself with thoughts of suicide. Not because I really wanted to kill myself, but because I wanted to be with my Dad. I don’t remember much of that time. It was full of pain and sorrow.
I never could have imagined what life would be like without a Father. No one to hug you, no one to protect you, no one to tell you what a precious little girl you are. I felt helpless, like a glass doll that had been shattered. Hopeless.
But God is good, so good. He did not leave me there. I held on to one of His promises during those dark years. The promise was found in the book of Lamentations chapter three:
“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.”
There may yet be hope. I clung to those words. And ever so slowly, a light began to appear over a distant horizon. Hope was rising in my soul.

***

It’s been five years since the journey began. August 18th of this year marked the four-year anniversary of my Dad’s death. Oh how things have changed. Life has come back to my family, life enough to keep the darkness at bay. Our family, smaller than ever, tighter than ever, now knows the sacred bonds of life and death. It’s been an incredible journey so far, and I have learned how to depend on Jesus with nothing less than desperation.
I cannot tell you how the story ends. While this chapter has come to a close, the book has only begun. Each chapter brings with it new adventure, new sorrow. Each page engraved with exhilarating joys and disparaging heartaches. As I look out over the landscape of my soul I see the marks of this journey. I see ruts down muddy trails and freshly paved roads. And as I look ahead a joyous light guides me. Hope is rising. No, hope has risen. Hope has risen in my soul.

Ballad of Seeking

2008-11-26T12:15:00.001-05:00

by Anna Elizabeth (c) 2007

Oh the glory of insanity, oh the pain of humanity
to live in this world so full of tragedy
Oh the blessing of adversity, oh the curse of diversity
to be found in a place so far away
Oh the joy of this madness, oh the faith found in hope
to know of something you never have seen
How wondrous this life we seldom full live
How much a heart can be forced to expose
When God in His best does justly and right
We can naught comprehend, not with all of our might

Sleep

2008-11-19T10:00:00.000-05:00

The worst dreams haunt you when you're awake.

Rest in Peace

2008-11-17T09:44:00.003-05:00

Have you ever thought about what it means to rest in peace?

We use the phrase with regards to the dead; those who no longer have to deal with the unrest of this world (obviously this is not completely true, but I'm trying to make a point, work with me).

And then we have the concept of dying to our old ways, living in Christ's new life. We find this such a hard concept to grasp. Could it be as simple as resting in His peace?

If you want to boil it down to a very extreme level (what in life is not extreme?) you could say this - You can live in the unrest and struggle of trying to do this life on your own. Or you can choose to lay down your life, surrender control, and rest in the peace of the One who is the essence of Good.

Food for thought.

Rest in Peace-

Anna Elizabeth Jefferis 1989-

What life means

2008-11-16T15:12:00.006-05:00

Everyday is a precious gift, every breath a joy bestowed.

"What happens when the light first pierces the dark dampness in which we have waited? We are slapped and cut loose. If we are lucky, someone is there to catch us and persuade us that we are safe. But are we safe? What happens if, too early, we lose a parent? That party on whom we rely for only everything? Why, we are cut loose again and we wonder, even dread whose hands will catch us now?"(1)

Lately I've been thinking, about a lot of things. Things like life, death, love, marriage, dating, responsibility, growing up, school, work, faithfulness, hard times, perseverance, hope, joy, grief, selfishness, even thoughts. (Yes, thinking about thinking is very thought provoking...)

Everyday, as I get older, I dream of my life. I dream, I dread, I hope, I pray.

Will I be able to finish school well? Will I find a good job? What will I get my Masters in? Will someone ever commit to date me? Will they be compassionate enough to help take care of me *and* my family? Will I be safe? Can I please God? (Can I please, God?) What am I supposed to do? Am I an adult? How much do I need to conform to he people around me? Can I *really* be comfortable being me?

In six weeks and four days I will be 19. Where in the world did 18 go?! It seems like I just joined Joshua House yesterday. And yet, at the same time, it feels like I have been 18 forever.

When I was about 6 I used to think that my life would end when I was 18. Because, when you are 18, you are an adult. And everybody knows that as soon as you become an adult your life ends. Or as far as this little 6 year old was concerned, I would be married, have a job in a cubicle and have at least 4 kids. Ha!

Now, as I look out over the bow of life's ship, the sea spray stinging my face, and the gulls mocking above my head, I see a new horizon. I see every possibility. I see islands. I see countries yet unexplored. I see valleys. I see mountains. I see adventure. And sorrow. I see the most exhilarating joys. And the most disparaging heartaches. I see life.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Jesus (John 10:10)

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Jesus (John 16:33)

One of the things I have been pondering as of late is the meaning of maturity. Many people tell me that I am mature. At times it seems like a dare for me; like I have to constantly live up to their expectations of my maturity.

And then there is my relationship with my mother and my sister. I am constantly demanding that I be treated like an "adult". I want to be treaded independently, responsibly, with respect.

I realized that the more I demand respect and independence, the more juvenile I become. It is only when I choose to serve, and sacrifice my priorities, that I truly display maturity. What a refreshing thought!

I have been very challenged, as of late, by various people in my life. I am excited. And I am shaking in my boots. Now... bring me that horizon...

1- Nicholas Nickelby, by Charles Dickens

Laughing tears

2008-11-13T23:43:00.004-05:00

I think that everyone should, at some point in their life, do this -

Drive down a long and curvy road in the dark, at night, while the almost-full-moon glistens off the pavement. As you drive you should listen to the song You by Switchfoot. As you listen to the song you should reflect on the most significant portion of your life (mine would be the last five years). As you do you should think of the most significant people in your life, major decisions you made, milestones, earth shattering experiences. As you think about these things let every emotion overflow in tears and laughter. (Making sure, of course, to safely maneuver the long and curvy road.) As these emotions bubble up, express any and everything that comes to mind, verbally. (It is best to be alone in the car when this occurs.) Breathe deeply. Reflect on how many questions you asked that you now know the answer to. Consider your current questions. Gain a glimps into the mystery of life. Love.

That is what I did tonight.

Sometimes

2008-11-12T21:20:00.005-05:00

By Anna Jefferis

11-26-2007, 11-12-2008

Sometimes, life overwhelms me so very much that I cannot find the space to breathe.

And sometimes, things happen that make me want to scream.

And sometimes, I am so overtook by emotion that it wells up in my chest and chokes me.

And sometimes, I feel that my screaming would not be heard, that I am silent.

And sometimes, it is good.

Sometimes, I want to shout from every mountain.

And sometimes, I want to shatter into pieces.

And sometimes, I wish that I were seen, that you would talk to me.

And sometimes, I want to share my heart with you, but I'm afraid.

And sometimes, I hide behind a smile even though I am dying to love you.

Sometimes, I curse propriety.

And sometimes, I want to run with all abandon.

And sometimes, I am ashamed of who I am.

And sometimes, I cry so hard my tears spill over my heart and drip down into my stomach.

And sometimes, I dream of when perfection comes.

Who Taught Thee First to Sigh?

2008-11-11T12:26:00.002-05:00

By Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford

Who taught thee first to sigh, alas, my heart?
Who taught thy tongue the woeful words of plaint?
Who filled your eyes with tears of bitter smart?
Who gave thee grief, and made thy joys to faint?

Who first did paint with colors pale thy face?
Who first did break thy sleeps of quiet rest?
Above the rest in court who gave thee grace?
Who made thee strive, in honor to be best?

In constant truth to bide so firm and sure?
To scorn the world, regarding but thy friends?
With patient mind each passion to endure?
In one desire to settle to the end?

Love then thy choice, wherein such choice thou bind
As nought but death may ever change thy mind.

True Love

2008-11-10T14:27:00.002-05:00

Check out the blog of the amazing Phil Wickham! - http://philwickham.com/blog

Vessel of Dreams

2008-11-10T13:54:00.004-05:00

By Anna Jefferis

11/08/08

Shattered dreams

on shipwrecked planks

Hope is found

in whitest sails

Boards once shattered

build houses new

Warmest smiles

dry dampest chambers

Calling softly

over salty breeze

Dream's vessel

sails on

Where half of me ends

2008-11-09T14:31:00.001-05:00

By Anna Jefferis

10/21/08

I feel a hole in my side

Where half of me ends

I've tried to hide

Where half of me ends

I cannot deny

Where half of me ends

Try as I might, still

Half of me ends

I'm ragged round the edges

Where half of me ends

I've been torn down the middle

Where half of me ends

I've tried to fulfill

Where half of me ends

I only rip further

Where half of me ends

I'm waiting for you

Where half of me ends

Only you can mend

Where half of me ends

I'll meet you there

Where half of me ends

Our halves will be one

Where half of me ends